Listen to this week’s show!

Question to discuss:

How do you reconcile a modern view of feminism with biblical Christianity? How does this play out in your daily life and interactions?

Roundtable: Women’s Rights

Women know they’re equal to men in God’s eyes, so does this make them feminists? In light of this, shouldn’t Christian women be at the forefront of the fight against unfair wages, gender harassment, sex trafficking and other anti-female ills? Where does God’s plan collide with the world’s agenda? Boundless contributor Courtney Reissig, author of this week’s article, “Single Women Are Not on the Womanhood Waiting List,” and The Accidental Feminist, joins Lisa Anderson and Candice Watters (who recently answered the question “Should I call myself a feminist?“) for a discussion of feminism and faith.

Culture: The Power to Choose

We make a ton of decisions every day, most of them unconscious. But even little decisions over time can have a big effect on your life. And what about those life-changing decisions? How do you avoid both paralysis and foolishness in making important decisions? Psychiatrist Karl Benzio is an expert in decision-making indicators and strategies, and uses his knowledge and experience in this interview to demystify our ability to choose.

Inbox: Mainstream Friendship

He claims he was a “freak” back in high school, and only hung out with fellow freaks. Now, he finds making “normal” friends a daunting task. Is there a way to go about it with confidence? Candice Watters weighs in.

Special Offer

Receive a copy of the Pursuit 2014 DVD with your donation of any amount! Speakers include Joy Eggerichs, Lisa Anderson, Tullian Tchividjian and more. Boundless is a donor-funded ministry, and we rely on friends like you to help keep us going! GIVE NOW»

The post Feminism Under Fire: Episode 380 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

When I was single, it was easy for me to be friends with the single women in my life, but as soon as I moved in the direction of dating, things got weird. People tried to give me pointers and steer me in a less-weird direction, but I think most of them were too polite.

It didn’t matter though — I doubt that greater candor would have changed anything. I tended to resent the few folks who shot straight with me and shattered my assumption that I was a dating Casanova. But I really did need help in the dating department, and in retrospect, there were three primary areas where I was faltering:

1. I needed to stop interviewing my dates. When I interviewed my dates, it made it painfully obvious how much I was scrutinizing them. Women who feel like they are being scrutinized get extremely uncomfortable, especially if they’re being scrutinized over things like their physical fitness, their relationship with God, their family background and what they want to do with their lives. And why wouldn’t they? They already judge themselves harshly enough in these areas every day. They needed to be treated with deference, like royalty — not like contestants in a one-judge pageant.

2. I needed to stop oversharing. I remember when a wise, middle-aged mentor named Ann Young politely encouraged me to “try to leave a little mystery” instead of revealing so much on early dates. I thought that was a nice suggestion, but ultimately, I shrugged it off. I mean, why not reveal everything when, apparently, everything about me was so terribly interesting? Instead of taking Ann’s advice, I continued to verbally vomit far more than many dates ever wanted to know, undoubtedly leaving them with the distinct impression that they had just survived an unwanted counseling session.

3. I needed to be more gracious when things didn’t work out. If I asked a woman on a date and she turned me down — or worse, if we went out and she turned down a second date — I took it personally. I would then commiserate with my single friends and sulk about how so-and-so wasn’t ever going to get married if she didn’t at least give a great guy like me a chance. You know what I really needed to do? I needed to grow up and deal with the fact that these women had every right to turn me down. They weren’t responsible for supporting my fragile ego, and besides, their rejections brought me one step closer to the woman who would eventually be my wife, so I should’ve been grateful.

What I Got Right

There’s one thing I won’t fault myself for, and it’s this: I tried.

I asked out dozens of women from various backgrounds, and if they said yes, I took them out, paid for their meals, and usually acted like a gentleman while we were together. Some of these women seemed more likely to be a potential spouse; some of them seemed less likely. All of them knew that the stakes were low, and there was no reason to be thinking about the right color for their bridesmaids’ dresses. And they knew it because I explicitly told them it was “just a date” when I would call them and ask them out (yes, I called; no, I did not text and ask if they wanted to “hang out”).

So yeah, I tried and tried until eventually, providence, grace and the law of averages worked in my favor, and I met a lovely woman named Raquel. She said yes to a first date; that led to a second date; and that led to her saying yes when I asked her to marry me four months after we met.

And that brings me to the only truly fatal mistake you can make if you’re dating for the purpose of getting married: Don’t try. Sit on the sidelines and wait for the person you’re 93 percent sure you’ll want to marry. Don’t even bother with people who merely might be quality mates. In doing so, you’ll almost guarantee your perpetual singleness. You’ll be like a person who wants work but won’t send out applications or like a person who wants to adopt, but doesn’t want to meet any children.

Get in the Saddle

On the other hand, if you simply start practicing the art of getting to know other single people, it may eventually pay off.  Why? Because, at the very least, it will help you get to know your future spouse with a lot more ease if he or she finally comes along.

Yes, repeatedly diving into the dating scene will be a humbling experience that will demonstrate how incredibly inept you can be when it comes to pursuing marriage. But here’s the good news for those who are willing to take the plunge and risk putting themselves out there: Even though it won’t guarantee a spouse, it will make room for possibilities that simply don’t exist for those who don’t try.

The post The Only Lethal Mistake in Dating appeared first on Boundless Blog.

When I was single, I assumed engagement would be one of the easiest and most blissful parts of my relationship with my future spouse. But the day after I asked my fiancée, Raquel, if she would marry me, I discovered how wrong I was.

The euphoria of the night before was still lingering in the air, but I choked it to death first thing the next morning when I insisted that we set the date, make a budget, and figure out where the ceremony would take place. After two hours of stressful and unnecessary negotiations, Raquel started crying.

“I just wanted to enjoy the moment,” she said, wiping away tears,  “and I feel like we’re just trying to figure out all this stuff at once. It’s too much.”

She was right, though I didn’t really see it at the time. I was too preoccupied with ironing out the unplanned details, which were my greatest source of stress. But we were only at the tip of the stress iceberg. It was about to get harder — way harder — and here are three of the reasons why:

1. We chose to do things on a tight budget. The wedding industry is a complete racket. It’s a world where prices immediately go up by 30 percent just because you walk in and say the word “wedding.” But Raquel and I decided to go against the grain and do things as cheaply as possible. This required us to lay some things on the altar — things like the number of guests at the reception, nicer decorations, and a perfect venue. Negotiating those sacrifices was hard, and it caused tension as we both let go of our ideals.

2. We are not professional event planners. After Raquel and I got engaged, we discovered that wedding planning was a part-time job for which we were not equipped. I thought it was going to be like planning a really nice dinner party for a lot of friends. But it was more akin to planning a state dinner at the White House. And for two people who were working full time, it stretched us too thinly. Raquel was particularly overworked and stressed, so I ended up doing tasks that I assumed were the responsibility of the bride and her family. Then we were both stressed.

3. We waited for marriage to have sex. When I got engaged, a friend warned me to be careful. He said, “Waiting for marriage is hard, because you start thinking that the only thing between you and sex is the formality of a wedding ceremony.” He was right. And eventually, at the advice of our pastor, Raquel and I cut off all physical contact a few weeks before the wedding. We don’t regret that decision, because the real stress wasn’t so much abstaining from sex before marriage — it was trying to wait for marriage while seeing how far we could inch forward without violating our consciences.

There were plenty of other stresses that bore down on us during engagement, but we survived. In fact, I would say that for a couple who met only a few months before we got engaged, we thrived. And I think it’s because we recognized our need for help.

We met nine times for premarital counseling with our pastor, who spent about an hour and a half with us during each appointment. Those conversations helped us see that many of the struggles we were encountering during engagement were a preview of the problem areas we would deal with early in marriage: financial planning, unmet expectations, careless words, control issues, spiritual leadership, and my unwillingness to serve.

So if you’re engaged (or you want to be), please understand that you’re very likely to struggle with issues during engagement, and that’s OK. Just make sure you’re struggling through those issues with a wise counselor. Hopefully, that person will help you discern whether your issues are deal-breakers or, more likely, an unexpected invitation to love the person you actually got, rather than the idealized person you thought you wanted.

The post What Makes Engagement So Hard appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Suzanne Hadley Gosselin recently wrote a post for women called, “I’m 25 and I’ve Never Been on a Date.” She invited our female readers to ask themselves three key questions that may help jump-start their dating life:

• Are you getting out?
• Are you friendly?
• Are you saying “yes”?

In response, Boundless reader Jonathan S. messaged our staff on Facebook and requested we supply a guys’ version of this topic. So here you go!

In this post, each of our guy bloggers give their advice to a man who’s never been on a date:

Are you afraid of rejection?

Andrew Hess says, “If I could go back and tell my 18-year-old self one thing it would be don’t let setbacks set you back for long. Being a man means taking risks and asking women out. The risk of rejection is part of life. During my time dating, I’ve shown different women interest and felt the sting of rejection. Most of us do at some point.

“But by God’s grace, I’ve always dusted myself off, wished her well, and kept moving. Too many guys let a bad experience keep them from taking another risk. They seem to say, ‘Hey, that hurt. That’s not worth it.’ But here’s a secret about relationships: God always works our pain for good — even the pain of rejection. Pain reminds us to depend on God, to make God the source of our happiness. Pain can help us become more like Christ.

“Men, if you haven’t asked a girl out in a while, why not? If you are afraid of being rejected, own that fear and take a risk. If she says no, she’s not your girl. But your girl is out there somewhere, hoping and praying for a guy like you. So get out there and find her. Don’t let the setbacks set you back.”

Are you worried it won’t work out?

Josh Loke says, “Often men avoid asking the women in their church or friendship circles on dates because they aren’t sure that it will work or even if they’re interested in the young lady. That avoidance usually stems from good intentions: not wanting to lead a girl on, not wanting to make things awkward unnecessarily, or simply wanting to be more ‘sure’ before pursuing. However, such behavior often hinders your ability to get to know someone in the ways that are necessary to make a decision to move onward in commitment. In other words, it’s harder to know if you want to be in a relationship with a girl unless you go on a date with her. Similarly, it’s harder to know if you want to marry someone unless you get into a relationship first.

“If you’re worried about leading a girl on, here’s something to remember: If you ask a girl on a date, you’re merely committing to a date. If either of you aren’t interested enough for a second date, that’s OK. Anyone you’d want to be dating will be mature enough to handle that. If you’re committing to a relationship, that’s all you’re committing to: to see if you want to get married. The answer could very well be no.”

Are you lacking confidence?

Anthony Ashley says, “I’ve got a ‘don’t’ and a ‘do’ for you fellas:

“Don’t make false agreements about yourself. It’s easy to believe lies like ‘I’ll never get a date,’ or ‘Women just don’t like me.’ Statements like these will not serve you in your goal of meeting a nice young lady. Instead, they’ll become self-fulfilling prophecies. It doesn’t matter how justified you feel in making condemning agreements about yourself or how safe you might feel holding onto defeatist beliefs. If the statement is not one you’d hear your heavenly Father make about you, don’t make it about yourself.

“Do know who you are. Confidence is one of the most attractive things to a woman. The key to being confident isn’t bravado or willful ignorance of your weaknesses. Confidence requires a mature understanding of yourself, a knowledge of your weaknesses and strengths, a release of the need to pretend to be better than you are and to self-deprecate, and a general comfortableness in your own skin. The most important kind of confidence comes from being rooted in the love of Christ and your place in Him as an adopted son of God.”

Are you stuck on a certain “type”?

Joshua Rogers says, “If you’re a 25-year-old male and you haven’t been on a date yet, it’s time to start asking women out until somebody says yes. I realize that some of you may have asked a number of women out, only to be shut down. And yes, I realize that’s humiliating and discouraging.

“But please don’t use that as an excuse to give up, because if you do, disengagement will eventually become a habit. And rather than connect with real women on real dates, you’ll probably fall into a pattern of fruitless Facebook gawking, endless dating app browsing, and friendlationships with women who wonder why you never ask them out.

“Seriously, what have you got to lose but your pride? Take the initiative to ask out a variety of women — including women you’re only moderately interested in. It’s good practice for humbling yourself and getting to know the opposite sex, and it may come in handy one day when you need the courage to ask out the woman you actually will marry.”

For more stories about how real men pursued their wives, check out “I Pursued,” published on Boundless in 2012.

The post Advice for Dateless Men appeared first on Boundless Blog.

A couple of years ago, a YouTube video was going around the Internet of a former lesbian being interviewed about her conversion to Christianity. Her name was Dr. Rosaria Butterfield, and she had written a book called The Secret Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert: An English Professor’s Journey Into the Christian Faith.

I was intrigued by the thoughtful discussion in the video and bought her book, which was about much more than her former sexual identity. Butterfield had strong and insightful opinions on Bible reading, worship, loving the LGBT community, education and adoption, among other things. And behind her “secret thoughts” was an intelligent, unapologetic and winsome conviction about her faith.

She has just published her latest book, Openness Unhindered: Further Thoughts of an Unlikely Convert on Sexual Identity and Union with Christ. And in this interview, I talk with her about a few topics, including her new identity, how she converted, and whether we should call transgendered persons by their preferred gender.

1. I once interviewed a former Muslim who said, “Even the term ‘former Muslim’ makes me feel like I’m forever bound by the life I left.” Does that resonate with you? Do you ever feel like you’d like to get on with your life and simply be Rosaria, the wife, the mom, the educator — not Rosaria, “the former lesbian”?

Yes! And that is in part why I wrote Openness Unhindered: because my identity is in Christ, not in the grab-bag of fallen lusts of the flesh. At the same time, we live in a culture that believes your personhood is inseparable from your sexual desires and/or sexual history, so I feel compelled to show that repentance is the true passage to freedom. I stand in a long and dignified line of godly women: the Mary Magdalene one.

2. I’m fascinated that you, a leftist professor at a prestigious university, found yourself changed by something as simple as repeated and voracious Bible reading. How did you come to see the supernatural stories of the Bible as something more than Jewish fairy tales? 

I am a whole book scholar. That means that my job — and about the only reputable skill that I have — is reading a book and sizing it up. Perhaps because I never attended a VBS [Vacation Bible School], I was not subjected to the bereft reading styles that many Christians embrace. It never occurred to me to play roulette with the Bible, to read verses isolated from their historical or intellectual context, to start in the middle of a book because there was a good line somewhere in there, or to read the Bible like a horoscope — one verse for the day. I read the Bible like a book, chronologically, start to finish, examining things like its internal hermeneutics, canonicity, textual authority, and authorship.

At first, ideas like the Bible’s inerrancy, infallibility, sufficiency, and authority seemed outrageous, insulting and ridiculous. But after reading the Bible in big chunks, five hours at one sitting, many days in a row, I could see how, if only I loved the things that God loved, these ideas could become the bridge to what the Bible calls the fruit of the Spirit. I was a divided woman, and the Bible is what tore me in half. I felt pitted between not wanting to repent of my sin (and not really knowing how one repents of a sin of identity) and deeply wanting Jesus, the Jesus who promised a yoke easier than the one that bound me and a burden lighter than the one that crushed me.

Finally, when the Bible got to be bigger inside me than I, I realized that the Bible is the only book in the world that is alive and whose life depends not on my interpretation of it (what we call reader response criticism), but rather on the Lord himself. Jesus is inseparable from the Bible, and when we are bound to Jesus, our very ontology unfolds in its pages.

The Bible compelled me, drew me in, revealed to me that the threshold to God is repentance. It convinced me that the only way to save my life is to lose it. And at the same time, I saw how the Bible organized not just a “me and Jesus” sort of life, but a Bible-believing community. I witnessed, by being included in the lives of Christians while I was an unbeliever, that the Bible made a culture a better place, and in that way, it had a sort of tribal power. I have read and studied a lot of books, and I had never ever before seen or experienced what I did when I became immersed in the Bible and in the Bible-believing families of the Syracuse Reformed Presbyterian Church.

3. It seems like you dramatically converted in a relatively short period of time. Do you ever fear that you could just as easily return to your old life?

I did not convert in a short period of time. It took two years and seven times through the Bible. It was slow and agonizing, and I held off conversion for as long as I could. My steps toward faith in Christ were slow and stumbling.

I was converted in 1999. Three months after my conversion, I became a covenant member of the Syracuse Reformed Presbyterian Church. My pastor and my elders cared for me and counseled me and modeled for me what a life of faith entails. Families in the church took me in, and I learned how to live from within the means of grace, not from watching as a bystander, but by participating in the life of the body.

In 2001, I married Kent Butterfield. Kent has been my firewall, protecting me from taking on too much and modeling for me what a life steeped in the Word and ministry looks like. So there was nothing fast about my conversion. And each time I took a step toward the Lord, He burned the bridge over which I walked so that even if I wanted to, I could not find my way back. Having said this, I do take seriously that my life of past sexual sin — both heterosexual and homosexual — hardened and deadened my conscience, making me dumb and unyielding in the hands of the Spirit.

In addition, my reformed theology has a robust way of helping me understand my sin. It teaches me that daily, I am distorted by original sin, distracted by actual sin, and manipulated by indwelling sin. As the Holy Spirit softens my conscience, I know how deep and dangerous my sin is. And while I stand in the risen Christ alone, I know that obedience is both non-negotiable and always an expression of God’s grace.

Finally, as a member of a church, I am not free floating. I am part of the body, accountable and known, and by God’s grace, my life is filled more with the means of grace than the means of the world. Yes, temptation is serious business. And this is spiritual war. By God’s grace, I am not in this spiritual war alone or unarmed. I am grateful to the Lord that He knows the depths of our sin, the deception of our sin, the weakness of our flesh, and He gives us both a means to escape (1 Corinthians 10:13) and the gift of repentance when we daily fail. But falling does not mean falling away.

4. There’s a resistance among some conservative people to recognize a transgendered person’s preferred gender, but I notice that you do. Why?

Gender dysphoria is a serious illness. If you are the friend of a person who identifies as transgendered, it is important to conduct yourself with gentleness and care. In Secret Thoughts, I talk about my transgendered friend “J,” and I use the female pronoun (her chosen gender) and not her biological one.

Sometimes in life there is a difference between how to talk to and about someone and how you think about their situation. This is true in many issues in life, not just transgendered issues. It is important, though, for Christians to be good friends to transgendered people, to do a whole lot better than I did with my friend J.

I did not recommend or encourage J to seek sex-reassignment surgery (for which I am grateful now!), and I did bring J to church with me once and into the fellowship with other believers in my church. But I never did offer the help that was needed. I never addressed the Gnosticism of transgendered issues. I simply didn’t know how to at the time.

Now, after reading through the website sexchangeregret.com and meeting Walt Heyer, I have a better understanding. I see now that transgendered issues are a lot like eating disorders, which render a victim unable to see himself or herself clearly. The challenge is how to both respect how a person genuinely feels without encouraging that person to act on feelings that are simply not true. The anorexic is not fat, no matter how fat she may feel. And my friend J was not female, no matter how womanly she felt.

So I clearly don’t have a good track record with helping someone respect feelings that ought not to be acted upon, so don’t follow me. But I will say this: Keep relationships strong, and make sure that your words are never stronger than your relationships. Only a strong relationship can raise the mirror of truth on a deeply-held but untenable belief.

5. The same-sex marriage battle is pretty much over — at least in the courts. What’s the best way forward for orthodox Christians, who are now being cast as bigots in the same vein as segregationists?

Christopher Yuan and I put out a statement on this called “Something Greater than Marriage,” which I encourage you to read. I refer you to this statement, because we wrote it for just this kind of question.

Learn more about Butterfield at RosariaButterfield.com.

The post Five Questions With an Unlikely Convert appeared first on Boundless Blog.

A decade ago, I knew two young women whom I’ll refer to as Molly and Tiffany.  Plenty of guys fawned over Molly, but they overlooked Tiffany, even though she was more attractive than Molly.

If you got to know Tiffany, it was apparent that she did not think much of herself. Actually, even if you didn’t know Tiffany, her face and body language advertised how little she thought of herself. Her eyes were often downcast, her smiles lacked energy, and her shoulders were slumped. She asked few questions of others and offered little information about herself. She wore mom jeans, baggy shirts, and didn’t do much with her hair. Everything about Tiffany said, I don’t think I’m beautiful or interesting, and you shouldn’t either.

On the other hand, Molly exuded confidence in who she was and was convinced of God’s love for her. She looked everyone in the eye and had great posture and a warm smile. She dressed attractively and fixed her hair and makeup in a way that didn’t look like she was begging for attention. Most importantly, Molly not only felt comfortable sharing about herself, she had a noticeable curiosity about the people around her. Everything about her said, Life is good, and you seem interesting. I like who I am, and I bet you will, too.

Like I said, suitors were always lining up to date Molly, but Tiffany had a much harder time even getting noticed. And as I watched these young women lead two very different lives, I realized something: Beauty isn’t just something you put on; it’s something you are, no matter how attractive you are by the world’s standards.

In today’s feature article, “Where Have All the Beautiful Women Gone?” I talk about the reasons men are unable to see beauty in the women around them. If you read the article, you’ll see that I think men are responsible for opening their eyes and pursuing, but women should do their part as well.

Just like men need to recognize the beauty all around them, women need to clothe themselves in beauty — and when I say that, I’m not primarily talking about external beauty, though it certainly has its place. I’m talking about the kind of beauty described in Proverbs 31:25, which says, “Strength and dignity are her clothing, and she laughs at the time to come.” I’m talking about the discipline of “put[ting] on the Lord Jesus Christ” (Romans 13:4, Galatians 3:27) and “put[ting] on the new self, created in the likeness of God” (Ephesians 4:24, Colossians 3:10). I’m talking about putting on “compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience” (Colossians 3:12).

Taking on these eternal qualities does not require you to be an extrovert or a size six. And you don’t need to post pouty-faced photos of yourself online or be a spiritual giantess either. You need to be submitted to the love of God, to the truth that He “rejoice[s] over you with gladness . . . quiet[s] you by His love, [and] . . . exult[s] over you with loud singing” (Zephaniah 3:17). Read that again — that’s some intense love, ladies.

That kind of love will bring out the most beautiful things about you and transform you from the inside out (you never know — it might even inspire you to pull your shoulders back, raise your chin, and toss some of your old outfits while you’re at it). And although it won’t necessarily draw the attention of suitors in the same way it did for Molly, it will reflect the love of the One who cares for you the most, and there’s nothing more attractive than that.

Like I said, the men have a lot responsibility when it comes to seeing beauty, too. If you want to read my thoughts on that, check out this week’s feature article.

The post How to Be Beautiful for the One You Really Want appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

Question to discuss:

Have you ever wondered if you missed a marriage opportunity by passing someone by on your first round of acquaintance? How do you come to grips with the interplay of God’s will and your action in situations like these?

Roundtable: Martha’s Excellent Adventure

Martha Krienke is leaving Boundless! (Yep, we’re sad, too.) Find out what has impacted her most over the last four-plus years, and learn where she’s going, what she’ll be doing, and what’s in store for Boundless in the coming months.

Culture: How Gender Matters

Dr. Larry Crabb isn’t very fond of the term “gender roles.” Yet he’s a big believer in God’s design for male and female. So what does this distinction look like in real life? What are the biggest identity killers for men and women, and how can we walk forward confidently with our unique giftings and temperaments? Larry offers insights from his book Fully Alive in this thought-provoking interview.

Inbox: Grin and Bear It?

Did our listener miss an opportunity with a guy who breezed through her life a couple years ago? It’s possible he was interested, but she wasn’t. Did she miss the boat? Would God actually intend us for someone we’re not attracted to? Candice Watters weighs in.

The post We’ll Miss You, Martha!: Episode 393 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

“Above all else, guard your heart, for everything you do flows from it” (Proverbs 4:23, NIV).

It seems that in recent times, guarding my heart is something I’ve had to learn a lot about, and I am realizing how very much I still have to learn.

For a single female who desires to be married, it is extremely easy to let emotions run away with themselves. My years of singleness have included unmet expectations and hard lessons on dashed hopes and disappointment. Yet God has also taken me to many wonderful and unexpected places. He has taken me into some of the most heart-wrenching corners of the world and used me in ways beyond my wildest imagination.

The culmination of these experiences have brought me to the powerful realization time and again that this life is not my own. I feel as though God has powerfully and continuously been placing two things on my heart: surrender and faithfulness. Can I learn to believe that He is good right in the middle of the life I didn’t expect? Can I learn to love and adore Him for simply who He is and not just the gifts that He gives? I want to love Him because He is God of the universe, the One who created my inmost being, not because He is the God of my agenda.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has on occasion told God how He, in His infinite power, can organize the events of my life so they include the things I desire. Even if those things are God-honoring requests, surrender means holding my hand out wide and offering myself with no strings attached. Even if that means I don’t have someone to have and to hold today or forever. I want to choose to offer myself to God every single day. And to find ways to unclench my fist on those days I find myself under the illusion that my life is under my own control.

My struggle is in figuring out how to graciously live this out in the midst of my everyday life. Among the friendships and the guys I have deemed potential dating material, how do I guard my heart and surrender my life? I ask myself the same questions that every single person asks: Can guys and girls really be “just friends?” As someone who is single, how do I guard my heart in a way that honors and respects the man I will someday marry yet without isolating the single men in my life?

In her book Revelations of a Single Woman, Connally Gilliam equates a woman’s heart to a garden with three distinct areas. There is the public area, where anyone can traverse. Then there is an inner sanctum that is reserved for the man a woman will someday marry. The murky part, however, is that there is what Gilliam refers to as an “in-between place.” People who are welcome to wander around in this in-between space include close female friends, male family members, or perhaps other father-like figures. To quote Gilliam directly: “The problem…is that once a guy whom I like…decides he’s not particularly interested in long-term inner sanctum husbandry, I can’t let him wander all around the middle ground anymore. If I do, then he inevitably crosses lines he doesn’t know he’s crossing, and I inevitably try to pull him into the center.”

I admit to have letting guys who had no business in the “in-between” area roam freely about. It seems utterly impossible to guard my heart, respect both the guys I’m friends with as well as the one I will someday marry, be kind and friendly enough to encourage men to pursue me, and set boundaries to keep my own emotions in check without getting attached to a guy that either has no intentions to pursue me, doesn’t share my faith, or isn’t compatible for some other reason. I am learning to heavily lean into Jesus both in my friendships, potential relationships, and every other area of my life. Because the foot of the cross is where peace is found.

Jaimee Schmidt loves running, reading, and using her skills as a civil engineer to volunteer with Engineering Ministries International in developing countries.

If you would like to contribute a post to the Boundless blog, see “Writers Wanted” for more details.

The post The Three Levels of a Woman’s Heart appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

Question to discuss:

When dating, how have you (or do you intend to) protect physical and emotional purity in your relationship?

Roundtable: Apartment Accountability

You’re dating — maybe exclusively, maybe even heading toward engagement. Naturally, you want to spend time together. But should that time be spent alone? Is it appropriate, for example, to hang out alone at each other’s apartments? What are some pitfalls to avoid and helpful tips to keep in mind? Our panel weighs in.

Culture: Profile of a Godly Dater

Single? Check. Christian? Check. Loves kids? Check. This person seems to have it all; but are they the right one for you? André Adefope, co-author of The Dating Dilemma, goes past attraction, lust and compatibility to break down the essentials of both becoming and finding a good, healthy, godly mate.

Inbox: Should I Put Myself Out There?

She’s almost 30, and her pool of potential mates seems to be dwindling. Besides church and her circle of friends, she doesn’t know where to look. Should she put herself out there more? Is she doing something wrong? How can she up her chances of finding quality Christian men? Lisa Anderson offers advice.

The post Dating Sense and Sensibility: Episode 396 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

If you’ve read anything I’ve written about singleness and dating at Boundless, you are well aware that I believe men bear the greater degree of responsibility for initiating relationships with the opposite sex.

At the same time, just because men ought to be taking the first step doesn’t mean that women don’t play their part in the dance. In fact, there are a few mistakes I see women repeatedly make that undermine their attractiveness. Here are six that stand out:

1. Posting kissy-face selfies – actually, posting almost any version of the selfie online. Ladies, I know how exciting it must be to finally take a super awesome self-portrait in the bathroom mirror after repeatedly snapping photos of yourself for over half an hour, but believe me, it just makes you look desperate. Get around groups where decent, eligible bachelors hang out, and look good in person. Seriously, stop advertising yourself on the internet.

   Lisa Anderson helpfully demonstrating what not to do

2. Overtalking. I realize that men can dominate conversations just as easily as women, but if you’re the kind of person who talks too much when you get nervous, consider the advice from Lisa Anderson’s new book, The Dating Manifesto. She says that when you go on a date, “it’s good to have questions prepared (in your head — not on paper, your phone, or a whiteboard). Believe it or not, you like to talk about yourself more than you think. Don’t be a conversation hog . . . [Y]ou don’t want to interrogate, but too much talking on your part wears your date down.”

3. Bad-mouthing your body. There’s nothing more unattractive than a woman who reminds men how out-of-shape she is. I remember back in my single days talking to this one woman who seemed really pretty to me, and then she started talking about how she needed to lose weight because she was so fat. All of a sudden, she began to look overweight and unattractive. Listen, I realize that having a positive body image may be a very real struggle for you, but work that out with your girlfriends or a counselor, not with potential suitors. You’re probably very attractive, and making insulting comments about your body only undermines your beauty.

4. Failing to reciprocate. Like I said before, I think it’s the man’s job to take the first step, but once a man does, please don’t just stand there and hope he’s secure enough to do it again. Men often feel terribly insecure about initiating, so if you have any interest in him giving it another try, reciprocate in some way. For example, this might involve a playful emoji in a text, a compliment, or asking questions in return. It does not, however, involve throwing yourself at him, which is the subject of my next point.

5. Coming off as desperate. When a woman projects desperation, it’s not usually because of what she’s doing when she interacts with a man, but how she feels when she interacts with him. Here’s what I mean: If you’re about to text, talk, touch or take a chance with a man and you feel that grasping, clingy, gotta-make-something-happen-or-I’m-never-gonna-get-married feeling, stop. Just stop. Men want to win their companion, not have her thrown across their front doorstep. Know that you are a valuable and desirable woman because God made you that way, and operate from that assumption whenever engaging with men.

6. Oversharing. You probably want to wait a few dates before you start talking about your family issues, the way you felt excluded in high school, and that medical disorder that’s almost completely resolved. You’re interesting enough without having to turn the conversation into a therapy session.

I know it’s easy to read a list like this and have a panic attack as you realize you’ve dropped the ball in four or five of these areas. Calm yourself – these are things about which to think, not overthink. And although following the suggestions won’t necessarily make it any more likely that you’ll get married, it might make it easier for a guy to keep putting his best foot forward as he gets to know you.

The post 6 Things That Make Single Ladies Less Attractive appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Last week, Joshua Rogers wrote a blog post called “6 Things That Make Single Ladies Less Attractive”. While he made some good points, his approach had a few flaws. First of all, quite a few of the points applied to both sexes. (Nobody likes people who only talk about themselves or overshare.) Others fell under the category of personal preference. (I’m glad that my now-husband Kevin wasn’t fazed by my Facebook selfies.) And still others could be taken to contradict one another. (Reciprocate, but don’t seem desperate — now that’s a balancing act.) Still, there was some solid, basic wisdom in there for those with ears to hear.

As I thought about how to write the counterpart for the guys, I didn’t want it to turn into one giant stereotype. What makes single guys less attractive? Playing video games? Living in Mom’s basement? Not holding down a decent job? These things are sometimes indicative of other problems, but not always. In addition, any list I could come up with would be at least somewhat subjective. For example, I’m not drawn to guys who are overly frugal, but another woman might appreciate that characteristic. One of our readers did a good job of pointing out what might be wrong with this kind of list. Katie Lei wrote:

I am usually a big fan of Joshua’s writings. However, I have to say that this particular one gives off a “religious vibe” (i.e., it focuses a lot on our outward behaviours rather than our inward attitude, which is really where the Lord wants to cultivate). Unfortunately, the latter way of transformation takes longer time and more effort than focusing on behaviours, but once the change is made, it tends to be more lasting.

I agree. A person’s behaviors are symptoms of what’s going on in the heart. Is a woman who takes a selfie a narcissist? Maybe. But not necessarily. As one friend pointed out, “As a single, I often don’t have someone with me to take my picture, so I take a selfie to capture the moment.” Similarly, just because a guy is working a humble job doesn’t mean that he’s unmotivated or aimless. My husband was a barista when we met. Some of the coolest people I know are baristas — voluntarily — because they love the culture of getting into people’s lives on a daily basis and building relationships.

So instead of focusing on bad behavior (you can ask your accountability partners to help you with that), let’s talk about ways a guy can be more attractive. Here are a few characteristics that make guys stand out from the crowd:

1. Generosity. I’ve had women repeatedly tell me that one of the first things they noticed about their boyfriend or spouse was his generosity. Maybe she noticed him volunteer his time to help someone move or tip the server at the restaurant a little extra. “God loves a cheerful giver” (2 Cor. 9:7, ESV), and so do most women. We notice generosity, guys. It lets us know that if you and I end up together, you will be generous toward me and those we serve together.

2. Asking questions. Related to Joshua’s point about overtalking, something women consistently find attractive in men is good listening skills. A good listener is someone who doesn’t interrupt as the other person talks and asks follow-up questions to show that he heard and understood what she just said. (For more details about being a good listener, check out “Are You a Conversational Narcissist?”)

3. Loving God. This may sound like a Christian dating cliché, but women who are serious about their faith are looking for a guy who loves Jesus. During my first date with Kevin, he began to talk about how a trip to Israel influenced his understanding of Jesus. I still remember how his eyes lit up when he talked about his Savior. It was evident to me that Kevin was connected to the Spirit, and that excited me.

4. Honoring all women. Again, this one sounds like a no-brainer, but women notice how you treat other women. You may think you only need to be kind and generous to the woman you’re interested in, but I guarantee she’s noticing how you treat her friends, your mom and the woman behind the counter at Starbucks. When you are consistently kind, respectful and friendly to the women you encounter — regardless of whether you’re interested in them romantically — you show that you value women. (For tips on how to avoid objectifying women, I recommend reading “Where Have All the Beautiful Women Gone?” by Joshua Rogers.)

5. Bravery. I know some guys reading this have been brave. Thank you for asking women out on dates (even when you got shot down)! We need more guys like you. Here’s a little secret, guys: Courage is a very attractive quality in a man. That knight in shining armor thing didn’t come from nothing. I think God wired women to respond to courage in men. And while confidence is a bonus, you don’t have to be totally self-assured to impress us. Show courage by doing the right thing or by taking a risk.

6. Dependability. In a generation that suffers from FOMO (fear of missing out), a man stands out when he does what he says he will and isn’t afraid to commit to something. Many of my married girlfriends claim that the dependability factor is what drew them to their husbands. I have discovered that this is one of the more important qualities in a husband. Even before we were dating, I noticed how Kevin fulfilled his work, ministry and family commitments. I knew he was a person I could trust and count on who wouldn’t bail when a better offer came along.

The beauty of the above list is that you can pursue each of these characteristics whether you live with your parents or make a six-figure salary (or both!). And although striving to live out these qualities won’t guarantee the ladies will begin flocking to you, it will make you more marriageable, while also making you a better follower of Jesus.

The post 6 Things That Make Single Guys More Attractive appeared first on Boundless Blog.

In high school, I remember reading an article in a teen magazine that was something like “17 Sneaky Ways to Flirt With Him.” (You can question me on my taste in literature later.) I still remember one of the tips: “Pretend to tuck in the tag of his shirt, even if it’s not out.” The concept was to create an excuse for a flirty touch. (I can neither confirm nor deny that I ever tried it.) And in case you’re wondering at the direction I seem to be heading, I’m actually hoping this will be a more mature version of those tips I got from the teen magazine.

We talk a lot about intentionality here at Boundless. And a lot of the intentionality in relationships falls to the guy, who typically is the one to initiate. When I was single, I had times where I felt confused as to what I could do to let a guy know I was interested without being too flirty or making a fool of myself. (For further reading on this, check out my article,  “Boy Crazy.”)

And yet, I never stop hearing from Christian guys that they need women to take a risk and put some encouragement out there. So without further ado, here are my top ten ways to let him know you’re interested:

10. Organize a group event. Plan a trip to a museum or sporting event, or organize a night on the town. Just make sure he’s invited. (Bonus points: Ask if he wants to carpool.)

9. Ask him for a ride to/from the airport. Quality time in the car and a chance to see his chivalry in action? Yes, please! You also make yourself vulnerable by letting him know your need. (Pro-tip: This one works in reverse. You can also offer him a ride as a friend of mine did for her now-husband.)

8. Host a “Sixer Mixer.” Here’s the concept: Cook a meal and invite five other people (or four if you and your housemate are partners in crime). This kind of dinner is a non-threatening way to get to know that special someone a little better, not to mention showcase your cooking skills.

7. Initiate a non-romantic activity you both enjoy. Run a race together. Take photographs of native wildlife. Go on a snow-shoeing adventure. I found that opportunities like this — in groups or one on one — were plentiful when I was connected to a young adults group at my church.

6. Visit him at work. This one is tricky, because showing up at someone’s workplace can be borderline stalker-ish. Lucky for me, my now-husband worked at Starbucks, so it was perfectly acceptable to drop by for coffee. Later Kevin told me what a boost of encouragement those impromptu drop-ins gave him.

5. Invite him to your church. I don’t know about your town, but where I live in Colorado Springs there are a lot of churches. So you might meet someone cool who attends a church across town. Look for an opportunity to invite him to check out a special event or service at your church. (Note: I’m not talking about missionary dating here.)

4. Ask for help. Need someone to help you change a tire or move a heavy piece of furniture? The damsel in distress routine can really open the door for a deeper relationship. Even if you can do it yourself, let him do his thing and save the day.

3. Help a brother out. So you see on Facebook that he’s sick … what do you do? Why not offer to take him your famous chicken noodle soup? Maybe he’s finishing that major paper for class and you can offer to use your English major skills to make it shine. When you offer up some of your nurturing (not too much until he puts a ring on it), you put your wife/mother skills on display.

2. Invite him to a holiday event. OK, so this is just a different spin on number 10, but holidays are pure gold, ladies. It seems to be way more acceptable to invite a guy to Christmas lights at the zoo, a 1940s-themed Christmas ball or even to your office Christmas party than any other date-like activity during the rest of the year.

1. Collaborate on ministry. I suppose my husband and I are the classic example of this: We co-led a small group, and, well, the rest is history. In my opinion, this shouldn’t be forced. Don’t join his ministry because you think he’s cute. Rather, get to know someone better who shares your particular passions.

Many of these opportunities will naturally arise if you’re in community with others; and hopefully, that community will help you avoid pitfalls like becoming some guy’s “friendgirl.”  Most importantly, if you don’t make your community experience all about snagging one particular guy, you’ll get to know people who can join you in your journey with Christ. (And who knows? They might eventually introduce you to the right guy.)

Regardless of what you take from the rest of this piece, ladies, please just remember this: Your encouragement is vital to his success. So be brave. No excuses. You’ve got this.

The post 10 Ways to Let Him Know You’re Interested appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

Question to discuss:

What do you fear God may call you to do in your lifetime?

Roundtable: What if God Asks You to Do This?

Have you ever been afraid of God asking you to do something specific? Maybe it’s a call to be single or go to Africa on a missions trip or volunteer in a scary part of town. Our panel works through some of the more frightening things God might ask of us, and ends up with the encouragement that no matter what, God is with us, for us, and will never ask us to do something without providing the means to do it.

Culture: Why God Calls Us to Dangerous Places

Soon after 9/11, author Kate McCord left corporate America and went where few of us are willing to go: a war-torn country. God called Kate to Afghanistan where she sacrificed many things like comfort and safety. Through it all, she learned to depend more upon God, and discovered that the safest place to be is the place where God has called you to go. Her story is found in her new book, Why God Calls Us to Dangerous Places.

Inbox: Reluctant Matchmaker

Help — my friends keep stealing my dates! Help from Candice Watters is on the way for this reluctant matchmaker, along with ideas for her to navigate this tricky situation.

The post Dangerous Faith: Episode 404 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

Question to Discuss: What’s your opinion on Christians pursuing bigger and better jobs?

Roundtable: Holy Ambition

Balancing godly ambition with selfish desire can be quite tricky in today’s work environment. How can you tell if you’re trying to reach your God-given potential or simply running after prestige and a bigger paycheck? A panel of employed millennials wrestles through the issue with candor and self-examination.

Culture: Thoughts on the Spirit

The Holy Spirit can sometimes be described as the “forgotten third” of the Trinity. How many of us truly understand the Holy Spirit’s role in our daily lives? Author and deep thinker Paul J. Pastor draws from his book The Face of the Deep to help us more fully grasp how the Comforter and Counselor works among us today.

Inbox: Yoga Pants Dilemma

Yoga pants (yes, we’re going there). Should you or shouldn’t you wear them in public? As controversies go, some may think this is much ado about nothing, while others may feel yoga pants are always inappropriate. Thankfully, relationship expert Joshua Rogers is not afraid to jump into the fray with his perspective.

Featured Musical Artist: Unspoken

The post Getting Ahead: Episode 418 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

One of the biggest complaints I hear from the single women I talk to is that there seems to be a lack of quality single men to pursue them. In “The Eligible-Bachelor Paradox,” Mark Gimein explores this apparent shortage of available, appealing men.

Gimein first points out that the woman controls the central decision when it comes to marriage. They are the ones who have to power to say “yes” or “no” to a proposal (or at a micro level, a date). Gimein then explains the paradox (more eligible women than men) in terms of an auction.

You can think of this traditional concept of the search for marriage partners as a kind of an auction. In this auction, some women will be more confident of their prospects, others less so. In game-theory terms, you would call the first group ‘strong bidders’ and the second ‘weak bidders.’ Your first thought might be that the ‘strong bidders’ — women who (whether because of looks, social ability, or any other reason) are conventionally deemed more of a catch — would consistently win this kind of auction.

But this is not true. In fact, game theory predicts, and empirical studies of auctions bear out, that auctions will often be won by ‘weak’ bidders, who know that they can be outbid and so bid more aggressively, while the ‘strong’ bidders will hold out for a really great deal.

The result?

The pool of appealing men shrinks as many are married off and taken out of the game, leaving a disproportionate number of men who are notably imperfect (perhaps they are short, socially awkward, underemployed). And at the same time, you get a pool of women weighted toward the attractive, desirable ‘strong bidders.’

Where have all the most appealing men gone? Married young, most of them — and sometimes to women whose most salient characteristic was not their beauty, or passion, or intellect, but their decisiveness.

At face value, this statement is a little depressing. But are women being too picky about who they’ll date? I was reminded of a post I wrote years ago, which considered the tendency of Christian singles to hold out (“Let’s Talk About Dating, Part 2: Holding Out“). I don’t think this only applies to females, either. I’ve observed plenty of gentlemen who seem to be waiting for the woman who is nothing less than perfect to come along before they consider “bidding.”

Perhaps the value in an article like this is to bring us all back to reality. The “great deal” you’re waiting for may not exist. This is not to say that a “great deal” for you — from God — doesn’t. I once wrote,

If selecting a godly mate is something like an auction, I’d like to think of my heavenly Father standing beside me, staying my hand when I’m tempted to bid on the wrong thing. And then when it’s right: ‘Bid on this one.’

And, you know, that’s pretty much how it all went down when I met my husband, Kevin. For me, “bidding” meant focusing on a potential husband’s possibilities more than his flaws and trusting God for wisdom and guidance as our relationship grew. And in the end, I think God gave us both a “great deal.”

The post Do Women Lack Romantic Options or Are They Too Choosy? appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

Question to Discuss: What do you think are some of the best indicators of a mature Christian faith, and how do you recognize them in a dating relationship?

Roundtable: The Real Deal

“When I was a child, I spoke like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I gave up childish ways.” (1 Corinthians 13:11) Are you dating a Christian “kid” or a godly adult, and does he or she have a faith that will stick for the long haul? Our panelists will help you dissect these questions and more as they weigh in with personal stories and advice.

Culture: First Date Attire

Ever wondered what to wear on a first date? Wonder no more as fashion consultant Shari Braendel shares her tried and true tips for dressing up (or down) for a first impression and beyond. Shari shares invaluable information for both men and women from her aptly named book, Help Me, Jesus! I Have Nothing to Wear. You won’t have that problem once you hear what she has to say.

Inbox: Dating a Potential Cheapskate

Times are tough economically. We all get it. But when a date utters sentences like, “I left my wallet at home” or “Want to share a Coke?,” there may be cause for concern. Relationship expert Candice Watters helps you discover the difference between dating a cheapskate or someone with the gift of frugality.

Featured Musical Artist: Zealand Worship

The post Best Foot Forward: Episode 425 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

If you’re considering online dating for the first time, or if you’re diving in again, you are probably hoping to meet interesting people and go on a few dates. Part of accomplishing that is having a profile that attracts interest, which is the subject of this week’s Boundless article.

But for Christian women, online dating usually brings up a question: What does it look like for a man to pursue a woman online? Is it OK for a woman to make the first move when she sees a profile she likes?

A recent study conducted by OKCupid among 70,000 of the site’s users found that women who make the first move online are rewarded with a better experience. An article in The New York Times takes a closer look at the study.

It found that women who sent the first message were 2.5 times more likely to receive a response than men who did the same. And the men the women contacted were more “attractive,” as determined by how other users rate the men’s profiles for both looks and content . . . About 12 percent of first messages men send turn into a date, while 30 percent of women’s first messages end up in a date, the site said.

While there’s no way to know for sure, it’s likely that this trend is also true for Christian dating sites. In light of this, here are a few things for Christian women to consider as they navigate online dating.

If, as the woman, you’re uncomfortable with sending the first message, then online dating may not end up being very fruitful for you. One of the benefits of online dating is the sheer number of promising singles you can potentially meet. But you run the risk of getting lost in the sea of potential mates if you aren’t willing to contact a guy who catches your eye.

I’ve discovered that women also tend to over-think and over-analyze the specifics of online dating. We can get so caught up in doing it the “right way” that we make it more stressful than it needs to be. A lot of the dating rituals we expect in real life don’t translate as neatly to the online world, which is why online daters should be prayerful in their approach and wise and discerning in their interactions.

If you’re a woman who is uneasy with making the first move, remember that being the first to reach out doesn’t have to set the pattern for the rest of the relationship. First of all, it’s just a message, and there’s no guarantee it will lead to an actual date, let alone marriage. If you do discover someone special, there will be plenty of opportunities for the man to initiate as the relationship progresses. Once things move from online to face to face, you’ll be able to see what kind of leader he is and let him take the lead.
So if you’re a woman looking for love online, consider being the one to make the first move. It just might pay off.

The post Women Who Make the First Move Have Greater Online Dating Success appeared first on Boundless Blog.

My fiancé, Pat, and I weren’t what you would call “perfect for each other” when we first met.

I was looking for an alpha male who would go out to restaurants with me and debate politics and religion, stimulating deep conversations late into the night. Pat, as it turns out, is a quiet guy who goes to bed early, doesn’t go out much, and isn’t so fond of conflict (otherwise known as “discussion”).

Pat was looking for someone who would share in his love of country living, dogs and a CrossFit-style workout. This city girl is afraid of wide open spaces at night (obviously filled with terrifying, man-eating animals and serial killers) and believes that all exercise should be done in moderation.

If I hadn’t been willing to let go of my preconceptions, I would have missed out on someone who turned out to be not only perfect for me but better for me. (You can read more about how we met in my article “5 Ways to Make Your Dating Profile Stand Out.”) Because Pat’s lifestyle is healthier than mine, he has already helped me to adopt healthier habits. Because he is easygoing, he has become my rest and solace from the world, which has enough conflicts of its own.

In dating, some things are truly non-negotiable: shared faith is absolutely a prerequisite, as is finding someone who treats you kindly and loves you. But where might we be potentially missing out on mates due to our own preconceptions? Here are three areas we might want to reconsider:

1. Race. In one of my new favorite books on human behavior, Dataclysm, OKCupid co-founder Christian Rudder analyzes how daters truly act, and the results are surprising. If you asked any single person in America what they’re looking for in a mate, race will not come up as a factor. Yet as Rudder found through an analysis of online dating users’ actual patterns, both men and women continue to prefer matches of their own race.

To some extent, this may be a by-product of looking for someone with a similar culture, background, and values — we are most comfortable with what we know. But culture, background, and values go beyond race. For example, faith crosses racial boundaries. Furthermore, studies have found that interracial relationships have similar or greater levels of satisfaction as relationships between those of the same ethnicity.

2. Beauty. In online dating, it will come as no surprise that those who are better looking get more attention. But does beauty result in the thing we’re really looking for — relationship success?

OKCupid conducted an experiment. In 2013, the online dating site launched an app that connected you with another user and set up a time and place for a date, all without seeing the other person’s picture. After the date, the app followed up with the daters to get their opinion of the other person and the date itself. As it turned out, daters had about the same level of satisfaction with the date regardless of the attractiveness of the other person!

I think my fiancé is good looking, but the reality is that he became more physically attractive to me over time, as I saw his character, kindness and generosity shine.

3. Age. You’ve heard it said, age is just a number. Lately that seems even more true, particularly in dating. One of my good friends just married a man ten years her junior. They met at work and got to know each other through the workplace softball team. Another woman I know from my church small group married a man last summer who is 20 years her senior. They met through church and something clicked. If these couples had been online dating, though, they likely never would have met because of the age difference.

Unfortunately, extrinsic factors, such as race, physical appearance, and age often determine our dating future. But they don’t have to. Broaden your horizons; you never know who you might find!

Joanna Saul lives in Columbus, Ohio, and is a graduate of THE Ohio State University (Go Bucks!) and Georgetown Law. She works in state government to help the disadvantaged and has recently started a walking program for her local community. As a recently-engaged, 30-something, she is passionate about using her time to serve God’s people.

The post Broaden Your Dating Horizons appeared first on Boundless Blog.

I just took the Myers-Briggs personality test, and if there’s one thing that’s certain about my personality, it’s that I’m extroverted. At the same time, I like introverts — in fact, almost all of my closest friends are introverts. But I think introverted men have a tougher row to hoe when it comes to dating.

So many of the social settings in which single men are expected to meet women in person are geared toward the outgoing man who doesn’t mind talking to strangers, talking about himself, and basically talking, talking, talking. It’s not that my introverted friends can’t do that, they just find it exhausting, and most of us aren’t at our best when we feel worn down. That can result in setbacks for the introverted man, especially when he engages with women who expect the guy to initiate.

I think one thing that would help introverted men is to recognize how they’re coming across to women. An introverted guy is uniquely positioned to make good and bad impressions, depending on how he handles himself. And the more an introverted man is aware of his capacity to come across as both a hero and a zero, the more he can leverage his strengths and downplay his weaknesses as he gets to know someone.

So, men, let’s talk about three ways your introversion can come off to the ladies:

1. You may come across as wise. One of my favorite proverbs is, “Even a fool who keeps silent is considered wise; when he closes his lips, he is deemed intelligent” (Proverbs 17:28, ESV). An introverted man can come into a social situation and project a lot of strength when he plays it cool and lays low. A lot of ladies are drawn to that particular kind of guy — hence, the attractiveness of the “strong, silent type.” The problem comes, however, when my brothers never get around to speaking at all. Which leads to my next point …

2. You may come across as a wallflower. Introverted men who don’t assert themselves in social situations run the risk of coming across as standoffish and timid. To the contrary, although my buddy Sam is an introvert, he ignores his natural instinct to keep to himself in social situations. He engages in a way that comes across as natural and comfortable. If he hadn’t done that with his now-wife, Cris, she might have read his reserved behavior as disinterest. That would’ve been a problem, because if a woman thinks you’re not interested, she won’t waste her time on you. However, if you open up, you have the potential to outshine the extroverts in the room. My next point explains why.

3. You may come across as a good listener (but only if you ask questions). If there’s one thing introverts are good at, it’s listening. That’s huge in dating. People who listen make other people feel valued, and most people like spending time with those who make them feel valuable. The problem for a lot of introverts is that they wait for the other person to start talking, which can create a lot of awkward silence. So when you engage with women, have a list of five or so questions to get the conversation going. Then be the great listener you are, and look for points that merit follow-up questions. Trust me: Your laid back, persistent interest in listening will leave a woman feeling valued and much more likely to want to be around you more.

Introverted brothers, I’m not asking you to be something you’re not. I’m asking you to leverage the good things that come naturally to you as you engage with the women you meet. This may take you out of your element at times, but remember that you’ve got some excellent tools for succeeding if you’ll just use them. That knowledge alone may help you feel a little more confident and a little less exhausted when you’re pursuing a woman.

With every asset comes a risk, and introversion can be both. Use it well, and you may discover it’s a quality the ladies will find most attractive about you.

The post 3 Ways Women View Introverted Men appeared first on Boundless Blog.

With butterflies in my stomach, I arrive at the quaint coffee shop to meet my date — my first date in more than a year. After recently turning 40, I decided to give dating another try and set a goal for myself: 40 dates in one year. (You can read the details of my goal in my previous blog post.)

Though I didn’t get to have the Valentine’s date I was hoping for, I did go on my first five dates. In my new commitment to dating, I have decided to be more intentional, prayerful and open to all the unknown variables that come with the dating territory. I tend to struggle a lot with fear and confidence, so “putting myself out there” isn’t easy. I encourage myself with verses like Psalm 139:10-11, which reminds me that wherever I am, God leads me and keeps me safe.

Date No. 1

I remind myself of this as I approach my first date, “Peter.” It seems like a long walk from my car to the outside patio where I see a guy, about my age, with sandy blonde hair and a build meant for a football field. My mind begins racing. I don’t know anything about football. Are we even going to get along? What if this is a disaster?

I remind myself of what I do know about this guy: He’s a believer who writes thoughtful emails. After deciding to go on 40 dates in a year, I signed up for online dating. I figured it was a good place to start as I reentered the dating scene. I liked the idea of a dating site that helps me find someone with similar interests. I met Peter shortly after signing up. I liked that he sent well-written emails. Over email, we discussed our career paths, overseas trips and shared our testimonies. We seemed to connect.

As I approached him outside the coffee shop, we both smiled. We got our drinks and talked for about three hours. The conversation was strong and insightful. I couldn’t tell if we were a “match,” per se, but he was a complete gentleman.

Even though I didn’t end up hearing from him again, I learned a valuable dating lesson: Spending time with new people can be a great adventure. We may not be a match, and that’s OK. Very possibly, God has someone for each of us. And I have 39 more dates this year to possibly find him.  

Dates 2, 3 and 4

After Peter, I go on three dates with a sweet guy I also met online whose testimony radiates the grace of Jesus. I enjoy his kindness and his ability to really listen. Though I enjoyed my time with him, I felt that he was moving too fast. After our third date, he asked a question that was way too personal and made me uncomfortable. As difficult as it was, I gently let him know that I was not interested in anything more than friendship.

Date No. 5

My fifth date — with a third guy I met online — was fun, but I learned something about boundaries. The day before the date, the guy asked if he could pick me up at my house and take me to a surprise location. I said, “No.” Even though I felt a bit uneasy, I did meet him by driving myself to the location.

In hindsight, I realize I probably shouldn’t have gone on the date when I had a weird feeling about it. In the future, if someone asks to pick me up or drive me to an unknown place for a first date, I will politely decline the date. As much as I want to be open and vulnerable in the dating process, I also need to be safe.

That date ended up being fine. He actually apologized for asking those questions. But, in the future I will trust my instinct and will not take any chances.

Up Next

So far I’m enjoying each date, even though none have been a match. I’ve also learned to remain open to new people while setting appropriate boundaries for safety. And through it all, I know God is in control and guiding me.

In the next few weeks, I plan to meet potential dates by doing the thing that we introverts dread the most: participating in social events. However, I know God will help me be brave as I explore a perspective outside my comfort zone.

Beth Ariane is an artist who enjoys reading C.S. Lewis, eating small bits of chocolate peanut butter ice cream and getting her groove on in Zumba class a few times a week.

The post The First Five Dates: Leaving My Comfort Zone appeared first on Boundless Blog.