Listen to this week’s show!

Question to discuss:

What do you do when your personal convictions clash with the expectations society puts on you? How have you attempted to be in the world but not of it?

Roundtable: Are Men Motivated by Marriage?

There’s a lot of talk in the church and beyond about a woman’s desire for marriage and family. But what about the single men? Is marriage motivating for them? And what influence does choosing to marry and then making it happen have on their journey to maturity? Men of all ages and stages weigh in.      

Culture: A Clash of Kingdoms

Ever feel like you’re alone in your convictions and beliefs? Do did the Apostle Paul. In fact, his time in Philippi had him up against a culture teeming with false gods. He encouraged his fellow Christians to think of themselves not as Roman citizens, but as citizens of heaven, and the results were profound. Bible teacher Ray Vander Laan says we are to do the same in our culture, and talks through themes from “A Clash of Kingdoms,” the latest in the That the World May Know series, to help us get started.

Inbox: Step Up to the Plate

He’s interested in a girl, but she has a lot of male friends. Is there a way for him to know if he’d have a chance with her beyond friendship, or does she treat all men the same? Joshua Rogers offers advice.  

Music: All Sons & Daughters

The post Men on Marriage: Episode 490 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Dating can be so awkward.

Does anyone really enjoy the dating process? I suppose some folks may enjoy the thrill of the chase, over and over again, but most of the Christian singles I know would rather meet their person, make a commitment and settle down…like, tomorrow. Unfortunately, relationships don’t work that way. Dating is a necessary step on the journey toward marriage.

So, unless you want to stare at each other for four minutes and, poof!, fall in love (yes, this is truly a method, and yes, I would try it!), we’ve got to be willing to put ourselves out there and get to know people who exhibit marriage potential.

The Bible doesn’t give any specific guidelines about dating since the concept didn’t exist at the time. However, from what I gather, there are only three biblical requirements in choosing a marriage partner. You future husband or wife must be:

• a member of the opposite sex
• available (as in single, not married to someone else)
• equally yoked (a fellow follower of Jesus)

That sounds so easy in theory, but it is much more difficult when things like compatibility, attraction, interests, background, or other preferences are thrown into the mix. Although technically unnecessary, there are factors that simply make some a better “fit” than others, and that’s OK — even good. So, let’s toss to the curb the unbiblical belief in “the one,” once and for all, and put time and energy into dating to find a good match.

That said, what makes for a successful first date?

Side-by-side activities

In my mid-twenties, I remember being told that, generally-speaking, men prefer spending time together by engaging in side-by-side activities and women prefer connecting face-to-face.

This makes sense. But when it comes to guy-girl first dates, which is best? I’ve had good dating experiences of each type. But unless both people are social extroverts, side-by-side dates tend to produce easier, more comfortable conversation…particularly on first dates.

Pick an activity that the two of you enjoy or want to try, and go for it. Whether it’s a hike, exploring a museum exhibit or attending a craft industry tour, it’s fun to do an activity together. If you happen to have a great first date, you can always schedule a face-to-face date, such as coffee or breakfast (so romantic!) for date number two.

A positive attitude

We all have times when we need to unload our mental junk, but keep those conversations reserved for your therapist, best friend or mom. A first date is probably not the time to talk about your ex, your frustrations at work, your health issues or finances.

Commit to bringing (and maintaining) a positive attitude and good manners to all first dates, even if, especially if, you figure out right away that the two of you have little in common and no romantic interest. After all, distant or negative body language, constantly checking your phone and/or avoiding eye contact is just plain rude.

Remember, you made plans to spend time with this person and they deserve your respect. I can guarantee that there is something interesting or positive to unearth if you’ll seek to find it. When the date is over, you don’t have to offer or accept a second date, but it’s nice to leave a favorable impression.

Ask good questions

On first dates, keep your conversations low-key. My go-to question is, “If you had a full day off, how would you spend it?” It’s a great way to find out what your date enjoys and values. I also typically ask about their job, family, and where they grew up. If you receive short answers without any details, you can try to extend the conversation by saying, “Tell me more.”

I also like this list of unique, fun questions from professional dating coach Alexis Meads, including:

• What’s your favorite book of all time?
• If you had to name one thing that really makes your day, what would it be?
• What’s something that you’ve always wanted to try?
• If you could travel to any country tomorrow, which would it be?

The importance of listening

Have you been on a first date where the other person talked only about themselves the entire time? Sure, it can be a sign of a self-absorption, but sometimes that’s not the case at all. Your dating partner may simply be out of practice, a little socially awkward or just plain nervous. Some people take more time to warm up to new people.

Put the onus on yourself to be a good listener. Listening skills are important to develop, not only for dating, but for life in general. Whether in work relationships, church life or the neighborhood, when we give someone our undivided attention and genuinely try to understand what they’re communicating, we honor their intrinsic value.

It makes an impact. It’s noticed. Ultimately, it’s an opportunity to treat others as we want to be treated. So, take the opportunity to extend patience by listening well.

Remember, someday a first date will become your final first date. Hang in there! Push through the awkward moments and hone some dating skills that will make you a great first date for someone else…until you meet (and marry) your match.

What is your idea of a great first date? Do you have any first date tips to share?

The post How to Have a Great First Date appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

Question to discuss:

When and in what ways are you most likely to judge others?

Roundtable: Sure Signs You’re Judging Others

The last thing we want to do is judge others, right? Isn’t that so, well, narrow-minded? When it devalues them as people, yes. But it doesn’t mean we don’t hold strong convictions. How do we stand for what we believe and correct others appropriately while still loving them as God loves them? This helpful list serves as a springboard for this week’s discussion.                  

Culture: Every Man Can Become Mr. Right

Single women everywhere are in search of the elusive Mr. Right. But what makes him right in the first place? Michael Daniels was determined to find out, and as a young man began intentionally cultivating qualities that would make him marriage material. Now happily married, he shares what he learned along the way, lessons he put to paper in “Becoming Mr. Right.”

Inbox: Text Trail

She enjoys texting one of her male friends, but wonders if it’s too much, especially since he has a girlfriend. He’s moving away, so is now the time to change things up? Should she talk to him in person about this? Lisa Anderson offers advice.  

Music: John Waller

The post Judge and Jury: Episode 495 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Our culture has many competing voices attempting to define your life. Your job, your looks, your race, your relationship status — do these things really make you who you are? As a Christian, should they? If any of the items on this list disappeared or changed, what would you be left with?

1. Relationship Status

Sometimes I feel like I’m singled out (get it?) as most of my friends are married with children. Singleness becomes a badge I wear that other singles look at with relief because they’re not alone, while family members point to and discuss it during holiday meals. But really, I’m just another person. I have an identity that doesn’t revolve around my relationship status. I’m not waiting for someone to fill a husband-shaped hole in my heart before I can be complete.

2. Occupation

One of the first questions you ask a stranger to get to know them is, “What do you do?” And for good reason — our chosen professions can tell us a lot about each other. Sometimes it’s easy to compare our jobs with others and feel superior if ours measures higher on whatever success scale we’re using. In reality, the person working behind a fast food counter, the doctor, the painter, the social worker — they’re all people who have value, with or without their jobs.

3. Romantic Interests

When I love and respect someone, I care what they think about me. When I’m dating, I also want to make a good impression. This can lead to acting in ways I think the other person wants me to behave. However, if I’m constantly trying to guess what someone else wants, not only will I be uncomfortable, I won’t attract the kind of guys I want to date in the first place. I’d like to be unashamedly me with the person I spend the rest of my life with.

4. Health

Our culture values people who are healthy and able. If we are physically or mentally deficient, we’re often seen as people who have fewer contributions to make, and therefore less valuable to society. Identifying others by what they cannot do or identifying ourselves by what we cannot do is incredibly discouraging.

5. Appearance

Because of a popular culture that is flooded with flawless actors and models, we put far too much value in physical appearance. I’ve personally been self-conscious — what is this “adult” acne nonsense, anyway? — and get annoyed with myself for feeling that way. I don’t put stock in what other people look like (not that I’m complaining about Chris Hemsworth’s casting as Thor, mind you), and I’m certain my friends wouldn’t care if I came to a party perfectly made-up in a dress or bleary-eyed in my pajamas.

6. Wealth

Money is something I wish I didn’t have to think about. I don’t have very much of it; I wish I had more. Yet if I had more, I’m not convinced I’d be any more content with life than I am now. Wealth doesn’t change who we are. In fact, it often brings more problems with it — or that’s what I tell myself, anyway.

7. Education

When I was in high school, college was treated with the utmost reverence — that’s where all the smart people went. If you went to trade school, or, heaven forbid, no school at all, you weren’t as valuable. Now I’m looking back at friends who became electricians, business owners, computer technicians, servers, or librarians without a professional degree — people who are perfectly content with their lives and filling much needed places in society — and realizing what a misguided attitude that was.

8. Gender

If “Wonder Woman” has taught me anything, it’s that gender usually doesn’t define what you can and can’t do. It’s also not a catalyst for assumption-making; I might not like sports, but my reluctance to spend three hours watching one man throw a football to another and then tackle someone isn’t because I’m a woman, it’s simply because I find it boring. Likewise, don’t assume I can’t beat you at “Mario Kart.” Because I can.

9. Race

I don’t pretend to understand what it’s like to be a person of color living in a primarily white society. All I can do is treat people of every race equally and refuse to base my own identity on the color of my skin.

10. Emotions

Defining yourself by what you’re feeling is a recipe for disaster, because emotions constantly change. It can also induce guilt, because if you’re not feeling happy, you are therefore failing yourself. Sometimes it’s OK to not be OK. You’re not less valuable or less “you” if you are sad or struggling with anger, regret, or depression. You might not feel like your normal self, but it doesn’t mean you’re any less valued.

Though all the items on this list are part of who I am, they aren’t what define me; they aren’t why I’m valuable as a human being. When Jesus was on earth, He didn’t care about any of these things. He loved people who were poor and people who were rich, women and men, educated and uneducated. I’m valuable because God says I am — for “I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me” (Galatians 2:20).

I’m valuable because I am loved by a God whose love is never-ending. My identity is not found in any of the things above, because they won’t last; it’s based on Someone bigger than myself, who knows me and created me, who encourages me to serve and respect others however they define themselves, and who accepts my brokenness.

The post 10 Things That Don’t Define You appeared first on Boundless Blog.

I recently stumbled onto porn.

Scrolling through Twitter one night led to seeing a video I wasn’t expecting to find. It had been almost two decades since I’d last encountered porn. In fact, I only remember three prior exposures, all before adulthood. It wasn’t arousing. It was sad.

Porn’s accessibility and widespread reach deeply grieves my heart. I’m sad for addicted young adults who desire freedom but can’t quit turning toward their “drug” of choice for a fix. I’m heartbroken for the millions of smartphone-generation children who encounter porn accidentally, awakening to sexuality at far too young an age. I even care about the men and women involved in the porn industry, made in the image of God, who are surrounded by and participating in such depravity…sometimes not by choice.

Related to pornography are abuse, assault and human trafficking. In this sin-sick, supply-and-demand industry, victims abound. Despite what porn advocates preach, it isn’t safe, harmless and fun. It is evil.

Let’s dismantle a few misconceptions about pornography and infuse truth and grace over repentant users, because hope, forgiveness and healing is readily available.

Porn is counterfeit.

There is nothing real about porn. It’s not representative of healthy sexual expression in the slightest. Unlike marital sex, there is no foundation of vulnerability and intimacy, built up over time, day in and day out, with one’s beloved. There is no beauty, no wonder and no true pleasure. It is void of all that is good and holy.

If your mind has been trained by porn, your expectations aren’t realistic. They’re not just skewed or over-the-top; they’re damaging to healthy sexuality.

Let’s get specific.

Men, your future wife will not behave like a porn star in the bedroom, knowledgeable of all the latest tips and tricks. She will not meet your every sexual whim on demand. Her body won’t be airbrushed, perfect, or forever young and healthy. Unlike the fantasy world, sex is not all about you and your pleasure.

Women, sex with your future husband won’t be the perpetual dreamland portrayed in smutty novels and romantic comedies. He won’t meet every emotional need, saying and doing all the right things at the right moments. There is no melt-your-heart script and no perfectly cued music. He’s not your solution, your savior, or the answer to your loneliness.

We need to toss the idea that a manufactured sexual playground, portrayed by actors, is desirable, let alone attainable. In fact, it’s a counterfeit of what God intended for sex when He created a mutually-satisfying bond between a man and woman in marriage.

Porn destroys (and prevents) relationships.

Despite the misconception that porn use can enhance or benefit a relationship, most of us can recall a friend or acquaintance whose life, marriage and family was sunk because of this addiction. We hear terms like “virtual infidelity” – the porn user won’t quit, the spouse feels betrayed, and distance between the couple is established. The marriage breaks down and often leads to divorce.

What about singles? We’ll stop using once we’re sexually active in marriage, right? We’re not cheating on a spouse, so it’s OK, right? Nope.

Statistics confirm that porn addicts carry their use into marriage. It’s not as if your wedding day arrives and poof!, all of your hang-ups and issues go away. You can’t simply stop patterns of behavior, un-see the images you’ve viewed in the past, or change overnight.

I can even make the case that pornography use is cheating…on your future spouse. We all bring baggage into marriage. What will yours be? What will mine be? These are things to consider. Even if we never get married, porn is cheating ourselves from a lifestyle of purity and a clear conscience before God. It can destroy our lives and the health of all relationships – marital or otherwise.

Let’s consider one additional angle in the lives of singles: Although there are many reasons why young adults today delay marriage, have you considered porn as a factor?

I believe pornography not only destroys current relationships, it prevents godly Christian marriages from happening in the first place.

Porn kills ambition in all facets of life: work, friendship, ministry… and yes, relationships. It produces guilt, deep shame and isolates its users, both male and female. But there’s a particularly sneaky way that the enemy is at work through pornography use in the lives of Christians. If young men are entangled in porn, they aren’t motivated to pursue marriage; if young women are enslaved, they have little motivation to respond to the interest of godly and worthy pursuers. Instead of investing time and energy in the slow, steady process of dating and building a relationship that leads to marriage and God-honoring sex, porn users take the easy route of self-gratification. It’s self-centered, whereas marriage requires denying oneself. Selfishness always destroys relationships. It may prevent them from forming as well.

Porn is not beyond forgiveness.

There is hope. It’s never too late to turn from porn and toward health, healing, freedom and an abundant life in Christ. Flee! Get out from behind the computer screen, repent, seek accountability from a mentor or licensed professional counselor, and begin to conquer this addiction before you enter a serious relationship. Don’t waste precious brain space any longer. There are great resources, including apps and filters that block “adult” content, to help you win the battle against pornography.

Each morning, lay aside the sin that entangles and receive fresh mercy. As we submit our lives to God, we can trust the Holy Spirit to be at work, sanctifying us and infusing our lives with power, love and self-control. It’s right there, available to us if we choose to receive it.

Extend grace to yourself and others and stop categorizing sins that further isolate porn users. Sexual sin is no worse than any other addiction or stronghold. There is no place for self-righteousness in the body of Christ, as all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. In fact, each of us misses the mark daily. Those of us who’ve never been active porn users aren’t better Christians. We have all been forgiven much (Luke 7:36-50).

Our identity is in Christ, safe and secure, in spite of our sins and shortcomings. Pornography can be a problem from your past, covered by the blood of Christ on the cross. It doesn’t have to be your future.

The post The Problem of Porn appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Despite what I thought going into it, the most frustrating moments in my marriage aren’t the tough discussions about finances, future plans and holiday arrangements.

While my husband and I certainly have our share of disagreements, it’s the squabbles of everyday life that wear me down — the times when my husband and I just miss the mark on communicating and understanding what the other is trying to say.

As a newlywed, I assumed those interactions would get better over time if we just kept doing what we were doing. Yet both of us kept having the same frustrations with one another, and I wasn’t sure what to do next.

Sometime after our first anniversary, I started learning about personality typing systems. I realized they were an important tool I was missing from my relational toolbox — a tool I wish I’d acquired while dating.

What is a personality typing system?

Personality typing systems are psychological classification systems that are used to understand differences between individuals. Each personality system focuses on a unique aspect of what it means to be human and how we’re wired.

In her forthcoming book “Reading People,” Anne Bogel describes personality systems this way:

“Understanding personality is like holding a good map. That map can’t take you anywhere. It doesn’t change your location; you’re still right where you were before. But the map’s purpose isn’t to move you; it’s to show you the lay of the land. It’s the tool that makes it possible for you to get where you want to go.”

My selfishness and lack of wisdom can keep me from seeing the motives and patterns behind my and my husband’s behavior and ways of thinking. Because of this, we aren’t always able to address our deeper differences and move forward constructively. Personality typing systems, as Bogel explains, provide a map that shows us our patterns, tendencies and differences so that we can grow in our marriage and learn how to complement one another.

Three personality typing systems have been particularly helpful: Enneagram, Myers-Briggs and the Four Tendencies. Each focuses on a different facet of our personalities and provides insight into why we do what we do the way we do it.

The Myers-Briggs looks at how we engage and approach the world around us. The Enneagram looks at our inner drivers and how we’re oriented to the world around us. The Four Tendencies looks at how we respond to expectations from ourselves and from others. Each system highlights the strengths and weaknesses of each personality type within that system.

In my relationships, these tools have shown me how to love others well. In my marriage, these tools have given me a map of how to improve daily life with my husband.

For example, the Four Tendencies helps me understand why I’m OK with saying no to attending a party while my husband always thinks we should go. The Enneagram articulates for me the particular ways my husband and I respond to stress. The Myers-Briggs shows me why we each want to talk about different topics over dinner at the end of our day.

These typing systems haven’t solved our differences, but they have given us a map to direct us toward the place we want to be in our relationship.

Where are we going?

The end goal of learning about personality systems isn’t self-enlightenment so we can “live our best lives now.” In an article about the Enneagram for Christianity Today, John Starke says that how Christians use the Enneagram differs from mainstream users, “who use the tool to find the ‘authentic you.’” He continues,

A strong cultural narrative says that healing means finding your authentic self and living out of that reality. But Christians believe we will be our ‘true selves’ insofar as we are truly living out our new life in Christ…

The strength of the Enneagram is that it exposes where we might need healing and what vices might be causing division with others and even within ourselves. As Christians, we use the Enneagram as a tool to find healing not by becoming our true selves but by finding ourselves more truly in Christ. And we become more virtuous not by authenticity but by imitation.

Although Starke is specifically talking about the Enneagram, his words ring true for all personality typing systems. Personality typing systems articulate how we’re glorious image bearers of God, and they show us how sin has uniquely left its imprint on us as individuals.

But personality systems aren’t simply guides to becoming our best selves. They’re maps that help us understand the road of sanctification we’re walking as we seek to faithfully follow Christ and love those around us.

Have you taken a personality test? Did you find it helpful? If so, how did it help you understand and love others?

The post A Tool I Wish I’d Had Before I Married My Husband appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Close relationships require sacrifice, compromise and humility. If you’re unwilling to give much of yourself for another person, to get hurt, to give up some of your wants and consider their needs and not just your own, you probably shouldn’t be in a relationship at all. However, though relationships require give and take, there are some things you shouldn’t completely give up for the other person.

1. Emotional Needs

One of our married Boundless writers, Suzanne Hadley Gosselin, comments that she and her husband share the love language of quality time and are intentional about getting a babysitter so they can connect. “Along these lines, one of my needs that we’ve discovered is questions!” she says. “And not just, ‘How was your day?’ But specific questions that show he’s paying attention to my life.”

Personally, my tendency is to completely sacrifice my own needs for the other person and never admit weakness, but then I end up feeling unloved. Emotional needs vary from person to person; other Boundless bloggers admit they need physical affection, tenderness, encouragement and someone who’s not intimidated by their goals. For me, if I don’t get quality time, words of affirmation and patience when I attempt to share emotions, especially after I’ve been clear that’s how I receive love, I don’t feel cared about. Constantly suppressing those needs without receiving encouragement and understanding ends up damaging the relationship.

2. Communication

Many people have a tendency to be passive-aggressive in their response when they don’t get what they need from a relationship, when oftentimes the other person would be happy to comply if they only understood what those needs are. We have this idea that an action means less if we tell the other person what to do (that’s my automatic reaction, too). But when I think about it, if my partner listens and understands my needs, then makes an effort to meet them because he loves me, that actually means more than randomly getting it right.

Good communication also involves taking the time to understand each other, learning how to argue well, not judging each other, valuing each other’s opinion even if they differ, and choosing not to lash out when hurt.

3. Faith

Changing your spiritual beliefs because you want to make your partner happy is unwise, and yet it’s tempting if the person you care most about is pressuring you to. Christian faith implies you have placed your dependence on God (probably after thought, consideration, prayer, and witnessing Christ’s work in your life) and accept His sacrifice for your own sins, not for someone else’s. That decision shouldn’t be forced because you want someone else’s approval. If being a Christian is core to your identity, which it should be, then swapping it out for something else doesn’t make much sense. Also, there are probably other relationship problems at work if someone is attempting to change a fundamental aspect of your identity.

4. Spiritual Needs

Related to faith, your spiritual needs are how your partner encourages you in your beliefs. “I need someone who isn’t legalistic, who genuinely wants to serve in church and is actively surrendered to God,” says fellow Boundless writer Michelle Plett. Your partner should encourage you in your faith and help you grow.

5. Friendships

If you’ve ever had a friend go AWOL after getting a new boyfriend/girlfriend (or perhaps you’ve done it yourself), you know what I’m talking about. This can happen because we’re so wrapped up in our significant other we forget about the other people in our lives. Or because the other person is insecure and wants to be our only focus. In either case, it’s important, not only for a healthy relationship but for a healthy life, to spend time with other people, too. Our friends provide perspective, advice, mutual respect, love, spiritual guidance and companionship that we can’t get all from one person. When our friends have been there for us no matter what, we shouldn’t dump those relationships on the curbside.

6. Self-Worth

Our relationships should make us feel valued. There’s nothing like caring about what another person thinks, sharing our thoughts, and being met with disrespect, judgment or emotional manipulation. This doesn’t mean we encourage pride and arrogance in each other, but a mutual love and appreciation demonstrated through sacrifice and a willingness to care for each other’s hearts. It’s also tempting to allow ourselves to be treated in certain ways because the other person has expectations about physical and emotional boundaries we’re uncomfortable with. Being in love, however, doesn’t mean we have to sacrifice our self-respect.

7. Identity

Relationships change us. When we are so close to someone and start seeing things through their eyes, we see our flaws more clearly and often want to improve ourselves. That’s not a bad thing. It’s when we try to change ourselves in ways we are not comfortable with because we want another person’s approval that it becomes dangerous. “The relationship should help you become the best person you can be rather than dramatically shift who you are,” advised one of my pastor friends. I shouldn’t change my appearance, personality, eating habits, opinions or anything else only because I’m afraid a guy won’t like me unless I do.

The post 7 Things You Shouldn’t Sacrifice for a Relationship appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Though the highway is the quickest way home from the city, I often wind through downtown because I like to see it bustling. I like to see people all dressed up for their evening plans, smiling and having fun. My eyes linger on the beautiful women and the couples walking hand in hand. It makes me feel something. I see beauty. I see life. If I’m honest, I feel a twinge of longing.

My choice to drive through the city in search of beauty isn’t necessarily a bad thing. Nor is longing for something I don’t have. In fact, seeing happy couples reminds me of my own desire for a healthy marriage; it can even motivate me in my pursuit and remind me why love, companionship and even romance are inherently good things. I think this desire is natural and healthy as long as I’m not using the ache as an excuse to become bitter or envious, or nurse pangs of already-present loneliness.

I usually like a love story in movies and shows, too. Seeing a couple fall in love makes me feel good. I want a perfect “cute-meet,” as they call it.

But living in this fictional space too long makes me want a girl that looks and walks and talks like that (all women must be like that, right?). Before long, I notice that my longings have intensified and my standards have skewed. What happened? I was fairly content before that movie. Now I’m even further from finding someone who quickens my heart and inspires me to love.

I realized recently that such a fictional, idealized love story with idealized people can be a type of pornography for the heart. In the same way that pornography can set up false ideals of sex, such “all-conditions-are-perfect” love stories can build up an expectation for love that is unlikely to be met.

I don’t want to say that we should never watch fictional love stories, but we should be aware of what they do in us and evaluate if it is helpful for where we are in our own hearts.

My friend Jose had an interesting angle on this today. He said it is not singleness that is our problem; it’s our idealized expectations. He has a point. When we see things that set our expectations of romance so high, of course it will be hard to find someone who reaches them.

So what do we do about this? Deciding not to watch tons of romantic movies or shows may postpone the longing, but isn’t going to help us move forward.

To achieve a healthy balance, ask godly friends who have marriages that you admire. Ask them what is realistic. Pray and search the movements of your own heart. Is it wise for you to watch this type of movie right now? It might be just fine for one person and not for another, but we should examine our motives and be aware.

I think we must always trust God with where we are in our journey and pursue relationships as God leads. But a life hack that has helped me endure the lonelier moments of singleness also happens to be something that I think can help us in our search for a spouse.

Rather than live vicariously through actors on the big or small screen, I try to fully engage in my own story by pouring my time and effort into my gifts and callings. If I’m pouting at home on a Friday night, of course I’m going to feel more miserable and empty than if I’m busy doing my part to bring God’s kingdom to earth.

How about you? How do you take hold of the life and opportunities before you? Maybe it’s by planning dinner parties for your small group. Or bringing your friends together for a C.S. Lewis or Tim Keller book club. Perhaps by inviting someone you wouldn’t naturally gravitate toward to dinner and a walk. For me it is just getting together with people and sharing our hearts, as well as writing and illustrating content that I hope will draw people closer to God. That stuff keeps me productive and fills my heart quite a bit.

The funny thing is that if we are pouring into our own passions and callings, we have an increased opportunity to find our future mate, because they are most likely going in a similar direction. Not that there’s a formula or guarantee for this, but I think we can all agree that anyone who is pursuing their passions and callings inherently appears more attractive. They are motivated by something bigger than themselves.

So take time to appreciate the beauty around you, especially as you see it in relationships. But specifically look for the beauty in what is real — in ourselves and others. You’ll find that this beauty — far from being empty or deceiving — is both lasting and fulfilling.

The post Pornography of the Heart appeared first on Boundless Blog.

When I was in my 20s and single, I moved to a new town. I found a church and shared my desire to get involved in a small group. I was immediately assigned to the church’s singles small group.

I vividly remember walking each week past a lively, multi-generational Sunday school class to join a tiny group of socially awkward misfits. I felt like I was being sent to time-out in the corner (we literally met in a corner) or banned to the “kids table” at Thanksgiving, unable to participate in adult conversation.

Undoubtedly, well-intentioned leaders had organized the small groups in a way they thought best. But being assigned to a singles group, separated from everyone else, seemed like a strange form of church discipline. After all, I simply wanted to fellowship with the body of Christ regardless of life stage or demographic.

You may have had a similar experience of feeling marginalized or segregated by singles groups. Do they have to be this way? Can a ministry for unmarried young adults actually be a good thing? Can the words “healthy” and “singles ministry” even be used in the same sentence?

There is really no cookie-cutter, one-size-fits-all philosophy that applies to every church. There are, however, some important characteristics that should be a hallmark of any singles ministry. I’ll list six here.

1) It is devoted to studying God’s Word

A healthy singles ministry is focused around the teaching of the Bible. Without the truths of God’s Word, we are left with mere opinions based on human logic and reasoning.

A lot of the discussion found in singles groups revolves around a few topics. Yup, you guessed it. Dating and sex…and how to be content in your singleness. Although it’s good to discuss these topics from a biblical perspective, the balanced Christian life is far more than wondering about who we might marry or whether courtship is better than dating.

The Bible is a practical guide, addressing every area of life. A healthy singles ministry will elevate the Word of God as the primary tool for spiritual nourishment, encouragement, correction and life transformation.

2) It is accountable to a local church

When a singles ministry comes under the authority of the local church, there is an added level of accountability and a greater sense of belonging to something greater than itself. We are called to be active participants in a local gathering of believers (Heb. 10:25). Singles ministries should encourage involvement in a formal worshiping body, not compete with it.

The local church is important to God, so much that Acts 20:28 specifically says that Christ purchased it with His own blood. If it matters to God, it should matter to us. This is reflected in the investment of our time and financial giving through tithes and offerings.

The mission of the local church should be the driving passion of any singles ministry: glorifying God through sanctification (1 Thess. 4:3), discipleship and evangelism (Matt. 28:19).

A healthy church leadership team should, in turn, understand that single people are important members of the body of Christ. Failing to utilize the unique gifts of single men and women is a huge mistake. The local church should also avoid separating demographics in a way that limits fellowship among different life stages. When segregation occurs, mentoring and discipleship are stunted.

3) It discourages consumerism

Singles ministries can be notorious for attracting “church-hoppers.” This person goes from one group to the next with little or no intent to commit. They are on the never-ending quest to find the “perfect” group (or the “perfect” spouse).

We’ve all had the tendency to have a “what’s in it for me” attitude when visiting a church or small group, but if left unchecked, this mentality creates an unhealthy environment for everyone.

Rather, we should strive to make the group better by finding ways to serve. Welcoming a new person, participating in group discussion or simply showing up consistently are all practical ways to aid in the health of the ministry. Likewise, the singles ministry as a whole should be active in serving, glorifying God by meeting church, community and even world needs through service projects, volunteering, foreign missions and more.

A person with a healthy, others-centered mindset is not only better equipped to have a greater impact on the body of Christ, but to be a better friend, family member, employee and future spouse. A Christ-honoring, Bible-based singles ministry understands this.

4) It facilitates fellowship

It has been said that fellowship is “two fellows in the same ship.” Cute, I know. But the picture is very accurate. A healthy singles ministry is one that encourages real, accountable relationships with others who are in the same life stage, heading in the same direction.

It is comforting when we find others who understand what we are going through. A healthy singles ministry helps members form friendships, enjoy social time together, build common bonds, and provide practical encouragement to better trust God in the journey.

5) It is shepherded by a plurality of diverse leaders

A healthy singles ministry is one that has a diverse group of committed, mature leaders from all stages of life (singles, marrieds, older singles, older marrieds).

When the singles ministry leadership team does not consist of varying demographics, it can have some pretty major blind spots. But when there are differing perspectives coming from different backgrounds and life experiences, a healthy balance is achieved.

Singles ministries are in danger of attracting unhealthy people. A community committed to spiritual and emotional health provides a space for the struggling person to mature. However, without the protection and watchful eye of a leadership core, the ministry can quickly go downhill if these people refuse to change. When a person is confronted with sin and called into accountable relationships, they will either grow or they will move on. Either way, the group remains healthy.

6) It produces godly marriages

And last but certainly not least, a healthy singles ministry produces healthy marriages (sorry, no personal guarantees!). When singles are living in Christian community, this is a natural outcome.

Obviously, if everyone’s only life goal is to get married and that’s the motivating factor for them attending, the group will only resemble a meat market. But if the collective focus is spiritual growth and service, healthy friendships form and turn into purposeful dating relationships.

Yes, the potential of finding a spouse is a very real possibility in a Christ-centered singles ministry.

Now What?

If you are currently in a singles ministry and believe there are some unhealthy dynamics, rather than leaving or complaining, I would encourage you to sit down with a pastor or leader and share your thoughts. Try to be part of the solution.

If you desire to start a singles group at your church, there are some great resources at Boundless.org to help you know where to start. Pray about it. Seek the input from a trusted friend. Team up with a pastor or church leader and go for it!

Finally, if you are a member of a small church or there are limited resources at your church, many of these principles can still be implemented within your church body. With or without a singles ministry, God can bless your efforts as you serve Him in the context of your local church.

Wherever you find yourself now or as you explore the possibilities above, know that you are a valuable part of the body of Christ, with unique needs, gifts and opportunities to contribute. God will be faithful to direct you in your journey as you look to Him alongside the brothers and sisters around you.

The post 6 Characteristics of a Healthy Singles Ministry appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

Join the discussion:

Comment below and tell us about the worst dating tactic you’ve ever experienced (or executed…no judgment here!). What did you learn from that?

Roundtable: Pathetically Passive Dating Tactics

In case your current relationship doesn’t work out, is it OK to “cushion” (keep a “side” guy or girl in the picture)? What about  “breadcrumbing” (stringing along someone you’re not interested in) in case your feelings change someday? Have you ever been “ghosted” (had someone suddenly stop talking to you without an explanation)? Our panel tells stories of relationship sabotage and why these practices might be ruining our dating lives.

Culture: Choosing a Spouse

Whatever terms you use to describe relationships, one thing is sure: Dating is hard. Pastor and professor Dr. Ernie Baker gives us advice on what to look for in a potential spouse from his book “Marry Wisely, Marry Well.” Lisa also grills Dr. Baker on why he once drove 700 miles overnight (hint: a girl was involved), and what happened when his fiancee had another guy enthusiastically chasing her.

Inbox: A Shocking Past

The relationship was going smoothly, until her boyfriend revealed a detail about his past that shocked her. She didn’t take it very well. Now she feels terrible about her reaction and isn’t sure where to go from here. Should she stay with him? Should she just forgive him and move on? One of our licensed counselors offers input.

Music: Ellie Holcomb

The post Cushions, Bread and Ghosts: Episode 505 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

A few years ago, a really nice guy was interested in me. At the time, I was getting over someone else, so was oblivious until his attention became obvious with gifts and invitations to events. I knew this guy was kind and would probably make a great boyfriend, but, being in an emotionally unstable place because of the past relationship. my feelings were a jumbled mess. Did I like him in that way? Could I like him in that way? I didn’t know.

So I told him as much. I explained what I was going through, that I wasn’t in a place to discern emotions, and could we just be friends for now?

It turned out, we couldn’t.

For one thing, he wasn’t interested in just being friends. For another, in my distress I wanted someone to care about me so badly, and here was a guy offering to do so — so I’m sure I gave off mixed signals.

After we went on a sort-of date that we called “hanging out as friends,” I realized I had to end it, whatever “it” was. I was so stressed over the fact that I should like this guy — on paper, he was everything I wanted — but the feelings weren’t there. As soon as I made the decision to tell him a relationship wasn’t in the cards, not now or ever, I felt immense relief.

That’s a pretty good sign — if you feel relieved at the thought of not being with someone, you should probably end it (or don’t start it in the first place).

Since most of us know what it’s like to be on the receiving end of rejection, it’s weird being on the other side. But there are ways we can be wise, caring, and considerate, even in rejection.

You can still be friends, if you’re both good with it

Some people advocate not interacting at all with each other after a breakup because it hurts too much. Others advise not to give up a valuable friendship just because it didn’t work out. I don’t think there is necessarily a right answer; it’s up to what the individuals can handle. It’s likely you will both need space initially. I’ve often been good friends with a guy before becoming romantically interested, and when things don’t work out, I have been able to go back to that friendship (usually after a time of grieving). On the other hand, I also dated someone without being friends first, and we had little reason to keep in touch after breaking up.

Don’t try to help them through the separation

In the situation with the first guy I mentioned, I texted him the day after to ask how he was doing. I cared about him and felt bad about hurting his feelings, and checking up on him seemed like a kind act.

Big mistake.

I received a reply about how awful he was doing and why wasn’t he good enough for me? What was wrong with him? My rejection had triggered some self-esteem issues that I was absolutely the wrong person to address. I tried to assure him that there was nothing wrong with him and he was a great guy, which prompted the response, “Well, why won’t you date me then?”

Uhh…

Yeah, this was the time for him to reach out to other friends for comfort, and for me to step back.

Stepping back from each other can be difficult, especially in a long-term relationship when you’ve become used to relying on each other emotionally. This is the person you always turn to for help, and suddenly maybe you shouldn’t anymore. It’s best not to reach out to someone you’ve rejected during this time, and if they try to dump their baggage on you anyway and start blaming you, apologize for hurting their feelings but try not to take it personally.

You may need time to grieve, too

They are a plethora of reasons to reject someone in dating, both initially and eventually, and not all of them are because the feelings aren’t there. Sometimes they are. Sometimes they’re even mutual, but things aren’t working out. Perhaps needs aren’t being met, distance is a barrier, there are religious or political differences you can’t get over, you want different things in life that keep you apart, or you’re not making each other a priority.

Whatever the reasons, it may not be an easy decision to make, and you may need time to grieve, too. That’s OK. Giving up the romantic potential in someone you care about is hard, even if it’s for the right reasons.

It’s hard to know how to be patient, kind, and protect others (1 Corinthians 13:4-8) when we are rejecting someone. In a perfect world, there would be no such thing as rejection. As it is, we deal with the repercussions as best we can with the understanding that we’re not emotionally responsible for another person, but we can still try to behave in ways we would want to be treated if the situation was reversed.

The post How to Reject Someone appeared first on Boundless Blog.

“Whoa! I didn’t know you were a nerd!”

I’ve heard that statement more times than you might imagine, and, yes, it’s true. I am a nerd. But not one of those pocket-protector nerdy nerds. I’m a cool nerd.

When you walk into my office, you’ll notice typical office-y things until you turn a corner and see my collection of action figures. Protecting my work space is an assembly of earth’s mightiest heroes: an army of 12” plastic replicas of Marvel’s Avengers, Superman and Batman — and somehow a Ninja Turtle snuck in to join the team.

These heroic friends are a popular conversation piece, but recently someone pointed out a major flaw in my collection:

“All your action figures are boys. You really need to add a girl hero to your collection!”

I’ve always known and recognized that most of America’s action heroes are males. While that did seem weird and probably wrong on some level, I have to admit that I didn’t really put much thought to it. I didn’t avoid female action figures on purpose. I’m not against female heroes. But the noticeable shortage never really bothered me.

New Arrival

Four weeks ago, my life changed forever when my wife and I welcomed our first child, Heidi Mae. With a family lineage on both sides that is mostly males (apart from their spouses), my wife and I were very pleasantly surprised with a baby girl — the first in my family for more than 80 years.

During her first few days here (when we weren’t surrounded by doctors and nurses and paperwork and visiting relatives), I couldn’t help but stare at my daughter and daydream about what her life will look like.

Who will this child become? Who will her friends be, and how will she spend her days? What will she study in school, and what career path will she choose?

Who will this daughter of mine become?

I Wonder: Where’s the Woman?

Back to my action figure saga. A few days after Heidi’s arrival, I made a special shopping trip to find my first female figurine. When my baby girl comes to visit my office, I want her to see a bold and awesome girl hero in the mix with Captain America and his pals.

I rummaged through the toy aisles — which isn’t that unusual of an occurrence — searching for Black Widow, Gamora or Scarlet Witch (hang with me, non-nerds). When those were nowhere to be found, I figured surely there would at least be a Wonder Woman figure, especially given the success of her recent film. Eventually I did find one, but she was in a long, flowing blue dress. Gone was the iconic red, blue and gold battle garb. The only figure I could find was way more “trendy Barbie” than she was an action hero.

I finally found a Black Widow figure at a different store; it’s now proudly front and center in my hero line-up. But that experience really struck me. Why was this such a difficult purchase? Why were there four or five different Spider-Man figures to choose from, but no women to be found anywhere in the hero aisle?

Something was missing, and something was wrong.

Girl Power

I’ve always believed in equality, but the birth of my daughter and my action figure purchase forced me to look at gender roles and stereotypes with a fresh perspective. With this new bundle of joy whom I wholeheartedly believe can accomplish anything, I understand on a deeper level how unacceptable it is for her to grow up in a world where she is denied opportunities because of her gender. It’s unacceptable for her to see a line-up of heroes with none that look like her.

Maybe because I am a guy who enjoys music and art more than video games and cars, I want it to be OK if she’s interested in things that girls aren’t “supposed” to like. If she loves princesses and dances and pearls? Great! If she’d rather play with Legos, Stormtroopers and airplanes? Awesome!

If someday she ends up working at NASA or some sort of sweet science lab, I couldn’t be happier. If she stays home to raise children or run a daycare? I couldn’t be prouder. I want her to know this from day one, and my attitude and purchasing habits should model that.

I also want my daughter to know the Bible is full of characters like Esther, the heroic queen who saved her people. And Ruth, who took great risks to honor her family and become the great-grandmother of King David. And Deborah, a prophet, judge and ruler over Israel long before the first female American presidential candidate.

Come to think of it, there’s a pretty long list of female characters that would make for a pretty stellar line of action figures.

So whether you’re male or female, married or single, parent or not, I hope we continue to be a generation that fights for women. I hope every man believes this whether he has a daughter or not. We need to live out the conviction that all men (and women!) are created equal. The Bible is clear that men and women are both created in God’s image, and we are all His beloved children.

Even nerdy grown men shopping for action figures.

The post Equality and Action Figures appeared first on Boundless Blog.

When I first moved to Cincinnati, I was ready to be friends with people like myself: 20-something newlyweds settling into life.

My husband and I were invited to a church small group by a lovely couple, and I was excited to go, thinking this could be the group I was looking for. Our first week there, a couple announced they were expecting their first child. Over the course of the next year, every other couple in the small group had a baby or bought a home.

I (to my shame) was frustrated; I wanted friends of the same age and life stage.

When the Lord said “no” to my desire to have friends in my same season of life, He gave me a new vision for the value and beauty of building friendships with those in different life seasons.

Why Friendships With People in Different Seasons Matter

I know the comforts of having friends who are the same age and life stage. It’s wonderful and important to have friends who “get” the joys and frustrations of your daily life. But the past three years of building friendships has shown me the importance of fostering friendships with those unlike myself. These friendships have helped me grow in grace, and have matured me in ways that my same-age friends never could.

When we become Christians, we come into the family of God. The family of God is filled with people of different ages and roles, just like our own families. We’re designed to live in relationship with our spiritual family, growing from one another and serving one another.

But too often, we congregate with those who are like us and miss out on these important friendships.

Sophie Hudson puts it like this in her book “Giddy Up, Eunice”:

“… Are we so programmed with a ‘same age, same stage’ mentality that we’re missing the women who are ahead of us and behind us?… To my way of thinking, this is not an either/or deal. It’s a both/and. We need people of all ages in our lives who will listen, encourage, and pray. We need each other so much, y’all. And we are fools—FOOLS, I TELL YOU—if we think our same-age silos are getting the relational job done.”

Looking to Scripture for Inspiration

We see different age/life-stage friendships throughout Scripture, whether we’re looking at the friendships of Paul and Priscilla and Aquila, Lois and Eunice or Jesus, Mary, Martha and Lazarus.

I think few stories illustrate this as much as Naomi and Ruth. While studying Ruth this summer, I was struck anew by the relationship between Ruth and Naomi. It stood out to me like never before that Naomi’s presence in Ruth’s life likely played a key role in Ruth’s salvation, and that it was through Ruth that the Lord provided for Naomi when she was in emotional and physical crisis.

I think Hudson summarizes the power of their different age/life-stage friendship well:

“…When Naomi was as vulnerable as she could possibly be with her daughters-in-law, Ruth didn’t think all that baggage was too much to carry. She wasn’t deterred by the reality of life with a mother-in-law who had a history of heart ache and no concrete plan for the future.

By the same token, Naomi wasn’t deterred by the reality of life with a Moabite who had married her Jewish son, a woman who would no doubt face scorn and maybe even shame in Judah simply because of her background.”

The story of Ruth and Naomi has been the story of my friends and I, on a much less dramatic scale. Our different life stages, preferences, experiences and ages don’t get in the way of our friendship; they’re the very means that God grows us and shapes us.

Out of these friendships, grace and godliness has been cultivated. It’s easy to look to books, conferences, programs or mentors to be the catalyst of personal growth. But relationships are usually the place where change happens.

Tim Keller describes conferences and programs as the artillery and friendship as the infantry. He explains that in his years of pastoral service, “Friendship is about the only way I know to change somebody’s life.”

This is why we need friends who are unlike us. If friendship is the place of change, hanging out only with people of our own age and experiences will leave us wanting in some way. We will certainly grow in some areas of life, but others will be left unattended. Through friendships with diverse groups of people,  we will be quietly pushed and encouraged to grow in ways we wouldn’t otherwise notice.

Getting Started

So how do we get started in this business of being friends with folks in different life stages? Here are three tips based on what I’ve learned and experienced in the past three years:

Look around you. Who are the people you’re already interacting with who are different than you? It could be age, life circumstance or both. Intentionally reach out to them. 

Get outside your comfort zone. When you’re at a church social event or your Bible study, don’t congregate with your same friends. Go sit next to the couple in their 60s or make conversation with the mom of three kids.

Cultivate life-giving friendships. Begin friendships with these people the way you would your peers. Check in on them. Have dinner or coffee together. Get to know their work, interests and hobbies. Meet their families. Don’t preach sermons to one another or feel the pressure to “mentor,” but as it’s natural, point one another to the gospel and the grace of Jesus.

When I moved to Cincinnati three years ago, I’m thankful the Lord said “no” to my desire for friends in the same season of life (though I didn’t feel thankful for it at the time). I was pushed to be friends with people I wouldn’t have otherwise befriended. And my life has been made richer as a result.

The post Why You Need Friends Who Aren’t Your Age appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

Join the discussion:

What are some ways you fight temptation in your life?

This week on “The Boundless Show”: 

Roundtable: Temptation Tactics

Your heart beats a little faster. You know you shouldn’t do it…but really, would it be that bad? No matter what the sin is, it hardly ever seems harmful in the moment. This week, Lisa sits down with our panel of 20- and 30-somethings for some real talk. We dish on our biggest sin struggles, and talk about what has (and hasn’t) worked when we’re tempted to lie, look at porn, have sex outside of marriage, or care too much about what other people think.

Culture: Hope for Sexual Sinners

“Your best days are in front of you.” Really? What about when it comes to sex? Although Pastor Levi Lusko, founder of Fresh Life Church, is a strong proponent of saving sex for marriage, he knows that many of us have regrets regarding past sexual sin. He talks about how he through God’s grace tackled an addiction to porn, and gives us ways to train today for the relationships we want tomorrow. Join Lisa as she talks to Levi about his book “Swipe Right.”

Inbox: Once Bitten, Twice Shy

That may be a lyric from an overplayed Christmas song (hello, 1980s), but it’s also true life for a Boundless listener who asked a girl out 10 years ago. She turned him down then, but she’s still single and he’s still interested. Should he ask her out again? If so, how? Joshua Rogers weighs in.

The post Killing Sin: Episode 509 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

It’s the holiday season, so you know what time it is: time to finally ask the girl you’ve had your eye on for the past year on a date.

I like it when a guy can put together a fun date, and I think most women would agree. In fact, my worst date was roaming around a mall asking the guy I was with what he wanted to do.

He didn’t know. He didn’t get a second date.

So in the spirit of giving, I’ve done extensive research (asking my roommates and various friends who happen to be women) and have compiled a list of date ideas.

Word of caution, fellas — women are like snowflakes, unique and sparkly, so tweak these ideas as necessary to fit the specifications of the girl you hope to impress.

Cookbook date

This date requires a bit of spontaneity. Go to a local bookstore and peruse the cooking books. You and your date agree to choose a book, flip it open to a random spot and cook the recipe on the first page you open. Be sure to pick a book that fits your appetite and budget.

Kayaking

This idea is for those of you living in warmer climates. Kayaking could be a fun experience for an outdoorsy type of girl — just make sure she doesn’t have a fear of water. If you want to step it up a notch, sign up for an excursion if it’s offered. For example, a lake I’ve kayaked offers guided tours to view waterfalls.

Zoo/aquarium date

Be a big kid for a couple of hours and take your date to the zoo or aquarium. It can be a fun, low pressure way to get to know one another while exploring. Some zoos and aquariums do behind-the-scenes events (such as feeding the animals or getting to see their habitats) so definitely check that out if it’s offered. It would also be cute to ask her to this date in a creative way such as putting clues in an envelope and having her guess where you are taking her.

Dessert picnic

The way to a woman’s (well, mine, anyway) heart is through her stomach, especially when you are feeding her something sweet…preferably chocolate. For this date, pack a couple of her favorite desserts in a picnic basket (or something resembling a picnic basket — presentation is important). Before you decide what to purchase or make, do some research. Ask her friends which desserts she likes. I suggest you pack three or four small desserts to keep up an element of surprise. Take her to a nice park and have a dessert picnic!

Paint and wine class

If you are pursuing a girl who has a creative, artsy side, try taking her on a date to a paint and wine class. Even if your painting ends up resembling a toddler’s art creation, this can be a chance for you both not to take yourself too seriously.

Themed date

A friend of mine told me about a few of her favorite dates, one of which was a Japanese-themed date of sushi and karaoke. Um … genius! I love that idea. So fellas, consider picking a restaurant and activity that corresponds. Think of something like Mexican food followed with salsa dancing, or Italian food followed by a Renaissance art exhibit.

View Christmas lights

Who doesn’t love viewing beautiful Christmas lights? But if you decide to go with this idea, have a plan. Don’t wander around aimlessly “looking” for Christmas lights, as you’re more likely to make your date anxious. Know ahead of time a neighborhood, event or display you can go to. In my city, the zoo puts on a beautiful Christmas display each year. I’ve also seen Christmas lights in a neighborhood that puts on a huge display complete with cookies and hot chocolate. You get bonus points if you bake holiday cookies to bring along as you tour the Christmas lights. Be sure to put the cookies in plasticware or one of those holiday tin containers so they don’t get squished and crumbly.

Well, there you go, fellas. I’ve done half the work, so now all you have to do is ask the girl on a date. Let me know how it goes. Ladies, share below some of the best dates you’ve been on and what made them special. Men, throw us your questions and we’ll do our best to answer creatively and honestly!

The post ‘Tis the Season to Plan an Awesome Date appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Good communication is key to any relationship. If you’re talking with your girlfriend or husband or boss or friend or even a stranger on the street, you’ll never make much progress or maintain a healthy relationship if you can’t communicate effectively.

I have two degrees in communication, so let me impress you with my vast communication knowledge: The formula for communication has to include at least one person sending a message and at least one person receiving it.

Boom.

That’s it.

Communication.

That formula alone was worth thousands of dollars in higher education costs, right?

The problem, however, is that communication is never that simple. As George Bernard Shaw famously said, “The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.”

Let that sink in.

Effective communication is super difficult and super rare. In fact, in my first five years of marriage, that is probably the biggest lesson I’ve had to learn. There have been numerous times when I believed I had an effective conversation, but I later learned it was only an illusion.

Most of us think we’re pretty good at sending messages, but today I want to focus on the other half of the communication equation — listening.

“It’s Not About the Nail”

I’m not a fan of gender stereotypes. I don’t like it when people place men or women in a box by saying all men do a certain thing and all women do another thing. I don’t think life is that black and white, and I think lines are continuing to blur. Keep that belief in mind, but also know that I do believe — and certainly have experienced — that most men and women communicate and listen very differently.

If you don’t believe me, watch this video.

You know why that video is funny? Because it’s real life.

Guys, listen up.

Men, if you’ve ever read any relationship book or had premarital counseling or even had a conversation with a married man, you’ve probably heard this golden nugget of wisdom: Most women don’t want you to fix their problems; they just want you to listen.

If you want to have good relationships with women, you should probably go ahead and tattoo that on your forehead. I’ve heard that statement maybe a thousand times, but I still struggle with this almost daily. In fact, this happened to me last night, while I was preparing this post. My wife was explaining something that frustrated her, and even as I was telling myself not to, I gave her suggestions to fix the problem.

In that moment, I couldn’t even communicate with myself effectively! As soon as she started telling me her troubles, my inner Vanilla Ice just couldn’t help but burst out: “If there was a problem, yo, I’ll solve it!”

Guys, I know you’ve probably heard this before, but especially if you’re married or in a dating relationship, shut up and listen. For whatever reason, God wired us very differently in this area, and I don’t see it changing anytime soon.

If your wife, fiancée, girlfriend, friend or acquaintance starts telling you about a rough day she’s having or a problem she’s facing, grab a mirror and look at that tattoo you just put on your forehead. For her, most likely the most loving thing you can do in that moment is to quietly listen and offer your sympathy. She just needs to know you’re with her. Assure her she’s not crazy, acknowledge that her frustrations are legitimate, and genuinely be there for her. If she asks for advice, let your manly Vanilla Ice wisdom fly. But, if my experience has taught me anything, if she doesn’t ask for your brilliant problem-solving, she doesn’t want it.

Did I mention that I fail at this almost daily? This does not come naturally to us men, and I can tell you that it apparently takes longer than five years to sink in. Either that or I’m ridiculously stubborn and a slow learner.

Ladies, we’re trying.

Girls, I get it. The guys in your life have probably heard this a million times, and they’re still horrible at listening the way you want. But if I could offer a suggestion to fix it?

Gah! I did it again!

OK, for the sake of time, I’m going to pretend you just spoke with me for several minutes, I handled it perfectly, and then you asked me for advice. Here goes: Forgive us. We’re trying. We’re not annoying you on purpose.

If you’re dating or married to a Christian guy who you know deeply cares about you, be patient with him when he doesn’t listen well. Just like guys have a hard time understanding what you really need, it’s hard for us to explain why this problem-solving response is so natural for us. We’re not trying to be a know-it-all or downplay your realities. When we offer advice or suggestions, that’s our natural, knee-jerk reaction of trying to take care of you. Our manly instinct to protect our girls kicks in, and we’re just trying to help.

When — not if — we fail at this, please give us some grace and remind us what you really need. Be gentle and try not to make us feel stupid. Be patient and remember we’re doing only what naturally feels loving to us.

***

Guys, shut up and listen. Be supportive and affirm her feelings. If you do that, effective communication might actually occur. Then, if (and only if!) she asks for help with her problems? “Yo, I’ll solve it! Check out the hook while my DJ revolves it.”

The post Guys, Shut Up and Listen appeared first on Boundless Blog.

A young woman, “Grace,” recently accused actor Aziz Ansari of sexual misconduct during a date, and in response, talk show hosts and media figures have been giving their opinions, commenting and attempting to define appropriate sexual behavior — a seemingly difficult task.

Some say Ansari is to blame, and others say “Grace” is just complaining about a bad date. My opinion is that what happened to her was horrible even if it does not fit the definition of a sexual assault.

Sex is a powerful,  spiritual act so it’s no surprise that sexual assault or misconduct affects a person’s soul and can cause profound confusion and emotional damage. We innately know this, which is why our society takes issues of consent and sexual assault seriously.

But God takes it even more seriously.

While our culture sets the line of sexual consent between two willing adults, God sets the boundary to marriage between one man and one woman. In God’s economy, you need to be in a legally binding, monogamous and lifelong partnership — one with mutual respect, honor and love.

So, in the particular case of Ansari and his accuser, did inappropriate sexual conduct occur? Yes, according to God’s Word, because they were engaging in sexual activity outside the bonds of marriage. And it appears “Grace” was emotionally wounded from straying from God’s boundary.

While emotional wounds aren’t always a result of sex outside of marriage, perhaps it is more often than we’d care to admit. As Proverbs 6:27 says, “Can a man carry fire next to his chest and his clothes not be burned?”

By her own admission, “Grace” left the encounter shaken and confused. And she’s also going through an onslaught of criticism for speaking out about it.

I believe God hates the devastation she feels — devastation that any of us experience when we stray from His holy, perfect precepts. All sin, not only sexual, and its consequences are serious, harmful and offensive to God.

But where does that leave us? Where does that leave Ansari and “Grace” and the rest of us who don’t live up to God’s commandments? What hope could there be after offending a holy God?

No One

“I’m not a good person so I’m not worth anything to God.”

How many people believe that? Half of it is true. The Bible tells us that no one is good, not one. Not Mother Teresa. Not me. Not you. No one is good.

Even you who abstain from sex until marriage, if you are still violating God’s standards in other areas, you are not good enough for a holy God. To God, even our righteous works are like the filthy rags used during a woman’s menstruation (Isaiah 64:6). Just as committing a legal offense could result in you facing a judge for judgment, someone has to pay for committing offenses against God.

Thank God He made a way for that payment:

While we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person — though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die — but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. (Romans 5:6-8)

For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

Made Righteous

The only thing that could adequately pay for our offenses to God was a perfect sacrifice, Jesus Christ. And He died on a cross to be that sacrifice for us.

“Grace” is worth Christ’s blood.

Ansari is worth Christ’s blood.

You are worth Christ’s blood.

You are worth everything to God, the very life of His son. Not because of anything we can do, not because we are good … but because Jesus is. That is the grace God offers to a culture and people who continuously stray from His standards. That’s grace.

The post “Grace,” Ansari and God’s Rules for Sexual Conduct appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

Comment below: 

How have you (whether male or female) struggled with understanding masculinity?

This week on “The Boundless Show”

Roundtable: Dating for Marriage Success

Mission: Find a couple with a godly marriage, hit rewind, and see what their dating years looked like. Why did they pick each other? What did they do that contributed to their marriage success?  For our Valentine’s Day episode, Lisa sits down with a panel of people who are enjoying long, happy marriages. She asks them about dating and picking a spouse — and what you can do today to prepare for a marriage you’ll love to talk about tomorrow.

Culture: What Men (& Women) Need to Know About Masculinity

Masculinity matters. In fact, a misunderstanding of it might be a root cause of the sexual assault epidemic according to Focus on the Family’s issues analyst Jeff Johnston. So what does healthy masculinity look like? How can men cultivate it and women recognize it? Jeff shares candidly about his personal struggles with masculinity and talks about what he’s learned from years of research and study.

Recommended resource: “Healing the Masculine Soul” by Gordon Dalbey

Inbox: Breaking the Cycle of Sexual Sin

A listener dated a guy for several years, and now he’s engaged to someone else. But he and our listener are still having sex. She’s talked to her parents and pastor but can’t get out of the cycle. What can she do? A licensed counselor offers advice.

Recommended resource: Focus on the Family’s over-the-phone counseling and referrals

Music: Aaron Strumpel

The post Marriage and Masculinity: Episode 523 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

A small town girl from North Carolina moved to Florida in July 2011, and a Midwestern boy from Indiana relocated to Florida for his job in August 2014.

Kathryn: Each looking for a church to call home, we both spent months searching individually until we found Celebration Community Church (CCC). We met for the first time on Feb. 1, a beautiful Sunday morning, which happened to also be Super Bowl Sunday!

Matthew: I was asking around for info about any Super Bowl parties happening that night and then I met Kathryn.

Kathryn: I told Matthew my life group (a community group at the church) planned to watch the game — but I had no intention of going because my friend and I had tickets to see Disney’s “Newsies.” After the show, we swung by the Super Bowl party, and lo and behold, guess who wanted to speak with me the rest of the evening to discuss my favorite Broadway musical.

Matthew: We got to know each other through the life group, and it was great to have growing friendships with her and the others in it. For those first months, I felt completely comfortable not feeling anything romantic for anyone, nor did I think that anyone felt anything for me.

Kathryn: Then I asked him to join me for a movie night under the stars showing a movie I knew he liked: “Big Hero 6.”

Matthew: Funny fact, I thought there was a group going. I didn’t realize she had invited me exclusively.

Kathryn: Mwahahaha!

Matthew: So we met up, only the two of us to my surprise.

Kathryn: I packed us a cute little picnic for our movie under the stars. We enjoyed fancy mac and cheese, sweet tea and thin mints. You know, trying to give those subtle hints.

Matthew: It was a blast, and I admit, the thought crossed my mind, Did she ask me out because she’s interested in me?

Kathryn: He didn’t get the hint?

Matthew: I would soon figure it out.

***

Matthew: Quick flashback to a few months before this — I had been reading many articles from Boundless.org, and one that stood out to me was the article titled “Real Men Risk Rejection.” In short, it helped me understand that women are generally attracted to men who aren’t afraid to pursue what they want, even if it means possible failure. I realized from all of my online reading that I needed to challenge myself more in the ways of dating, especially since it didn’t come naturally to me. So during my first December of living in Florida, I bought two tickets to see Idina Menzel live in concert. I challenged myself to in the coming months find someone, a new friend, who could enjoy this experience with me.

Kathryn: Almost two months in advance, he asked me if I had any plans on July 26, the day of the concert and my birthday!

Matthew: I had enjoyed all the times we had spent together both in groups and on a few exclusive “non-dates” — as I at least thought they were. So I decided to offer the extra ticket as a birthday gift. I figured it would be a good way to find out if she really was interested in me. It was one of the best evenings I ever had.

Kathryn: Even though he couldn’t find his car after the show.

Matthew: I didn’t work up the courage to ask her to be my girlfriend that night, but I did bring it up with some trusted friends and they encouraged me to consider it.

Kathryn: After the concert we had a few weeks of “are we or are we not dating?” And then he invited me to join him for lunch after church.

Matthew: Sitting at a table in Panera Bread, I nervously let her know that I was interested in more than a friendship.

Kathryn: I will never forget that day. He was so nervous, the boy finished his whole lunch before I even sat down with my food. We spent the rest of the afternoon exploring Disney Springs, trying on fun hats and catching a movie.

Matthew: It was an awkward day for me. She seemed thankful and still interested, but I wasn’t quite sure if I was successful in beginning the relationship. It wasn’t clear if she had actually accepted me as her boyfriend.

Kathryn: It had been a long time since I had been in a relationship, and I had a lot of fears. Knowing how special Matthew was to me already, I didn’t want to screw this up.

***

Kathryn: We dated for about four months, mostly seeing each other on the weekends, and it never really felt like the relationship was progressing. I invited him to come along with me, my parents and my sister to California.

Matthew: We were both excited and nervous — it would be only my second time spending time with her family since we started dating, but it helped that I was going to Disneyland for the first time.

Kathryn: Unfortunately my idea of a perfect weekend in Disneyland with those I loved came to a halt when Matthew, my sister and I were the only ones that arrived in California. During their layover in Michigan, Mom and Dad went to a local hospital because Dad was experiencing a horrible case of kidney stones.

Matthew: We tried to enjoy the trip as best as we could, but Kathryn was upset once we knew her parents would not be able to join us at all. Despite my efforts to console her, I felt like we were drifting apart since she seemed to confide in her sister more than me. Our relationship was still fairly new, but it didn’t matter — when we returned from our trip I felt convinced that if I hadn’t gained any trust with her at this point, the relationship couldn’t be going anywhere. So a week later, right before Christmas (bad timing, I know), I told her that I felt we should move forward just as friends (let’s face it though, there’s no words that can soften the blow of a breakup).

***

Matthew: The next year passed, and I’m glad to say we were able to keep our friendship intact despite the breakup. Then, on Thanksgiving day, I got a call from my mom who told me my grandma had passed away after years of battling Alzheimer’s Disease. We were enjoying Thanksgiving dinner with a group of friends, including Kathryn, and so they all heard the news. Later that week, before I headed home for the funeral, Kathryn gave me a letter she had written for me.

Kathryn: I had been reading “31 Prayers for My Future Husband.” The prayers went through some attributes that women ought to be looking for in a godly husband. As I read through them, I often thought of Matthew. And when I heard the news about his grandma, I wanted so badly to comfort him. I told him all that in the letter. And that, though I wasn’t sure what to expect to happen because of this letter, I couldn’t help but feel that God wasn’t yet finished with our relationship.

Matthew: While home for the funeral, I talked things over with my family, and I decided that I needed to give our relationship another chance, a real chance. A week later, Kathryn came over to get something from my sister. I used the opportunity to talk to Kathryn – about our insecurities, what we felt right then, mistakes we had made in the past. And praise God, she took me back after a year of being apart. When we were dating previously, our communication was sporadic, and though we were close in proximity to each other, our time spent together was limited to the weekends. This was mostly because, despite our expressed interest in each other, there were emotional walls on both our hearts left from past hurts or bad choices. But this time, as was Kathryn’s phrase for the year, we determined to “Fear Not” — as was Kathryn’s phrase for the year — and let God carry us through the unknown into something that could bring Him glory. For the next eight months, we made a genuine effort to spend more time learning how to love each other.

Kathryn: Then came the biggest day of our lives.

***

Matthew: On Saturday, August 19, 2017, I had reservations at a restaurant in Winter Garden, Florida. We enjoyed the ride there, jamming out to Broadway tunes. The meal was delicious, and she looked stunning! Then came the surprise – I told her I had found a small trail in Celebration, Florida that I wanted to take her on — a cover-up story, of course. We drove to the supposed trail, and I parked beside a little amphitheater my sister and I had found weeks before. I took her onto the stage, which I had set up earlier with lights and pictures of us. And there in the middle, I sat her down and washed her feet like Jesus washed His disciples’ feet, and I read to her from a journal we had started sharing together. I expressed how God had grown us both in our love for each other and that I wanted to demonstrate sacrificial, servant leadership to her for the rest of my life. Then I pulled out from my pocket a little bag that had been there all night — inside was a diamond ring made just for her. After eight months of being back together, I asked her to marry me. Much to my delight, she said yes!

Kathryn: We are thrilled and excited for whatever God has in store for us. While we don’t know what all the future holds, we know God is faithful to keep us close to Himself. And we pray that our marriage will be a clear picture of God’s love for His people.

***

Are you engaged or newly married? We’d love to hear your story and how Boundless was helpful to you along the way! Email us at editor@boundless.org.

The post Engagement Stories: Matthew and Kathryn appeared first on Boundless Blog.

“We just don’t have that much in common.”

If you’ve said these words recently to end a promising relationship or you know someone who has, don’t worry. You’re not alone. The “Goldilocks syndrome” is a common problem in the information age.

Perhaps you or someone you know is looking for the perfect match before pursuing a relationship. Someone that’s not too this and not too that, but just right. This is what I call the Goldilocks syndrome, and it’s ruining promising relationships before they even begin.

Although the Goldilocks syndrome has been around for years, I blame online dating for making it a growing trend.

Your perfect match is just a click away … or so they say.

For me, online dating didn’t mean what it means today.

My wife and I started dating over Facebook while I was in Colorado and she was going to college in Pennsylvania. For date nights, we used to rent the same movie, cook the same meal and then video chat as we hit the “Play” button at the same time. It was an online date.

Today, online dating isn’t about how you date as much as it’s the process used to find someone to date.

Online dating has revolutionized how people search for their soulmate. You can know what kind of music someone listens to, what they do for fun, and how many calories they burned on their last workout before you even ask them out.

We’ve all seen the commercials for dating websites and apps that claim to have top-of-the-line algorithms that pinpoint “perfect matches” by pairing you with people who have similar interests and hobbies.

Essentially, these apps and sites promise you’ll find that “just right” person who loves what you love so you can live happily ever after.

And this certainly works for some people.

If you’re convinced that you need to find someone who shares your love for sushi, indie films, and roller derby to be happily married, though, let me persuade you of this: You don’t.

Opposites can attract.

The other night, my wife and I were talking about how little we had in common when we first started dating.

We were polar opposites. I enjoyed electronic dance music, and she preferred country. I preferred quiet days at home, and she enjoyed going out and having fun. I liked seafood, but it made her sick. She loved shopping for clothes, and I abhorred it.

As we continued talking about how our interests are better aligned today, something dawned on me. My interests haven’t really changed. Instead, a new one tops my list that changes everything.

My wife became my number one interest.

Over the last seven years we’ve been married, I’ve noticed her interests have grown on me. What makes her happy makes me happy, and vice versa. Everything she loves and values is important to me because I love her. Well, everything except for country music, of course.

How can this relationship ever work?

In Ephesians 5:22-33, Paul says that our marriages are reflections of Christ’s marriage with the church. I can’t imagine a dating couple who has more conflicting interests than the church and Christ.

When we first start “dating” Jesus, we don’t see how this relationship could ever work. He’s super holy and enjoys things like forgiveness and the golden rule. Whereas we’re always breaking the rules and can’t love much more than ourselves.

Over time, things improve, though. Our relationship with Jesus starts to change us so that we love what He loves. Our love for Him and His love for us completely transforms what we find lovely in the world around us.

I was shocked to find that same effect taking place in my marriage. My love for my wife is conforming and realigning my interests to complement what she enjoys and what makes her happy.

So, if you have a friend who’s looking for someone that is “just right” before beginning a serious relationship, encourage that friend to broaden his or her horizons.

Or maybe it’s you who won’t start dating someone unless their interests overlap with yours to the point where you’re practically dating yourself in the opposite sex.

God’s designed marriage in such a way that opposites can attract, and it still works. So, don’t worry about your conflicting interests, but rather look forward to learning to love and enjoy new hobbies and experiences.

Because when you love someone, you learn to love what that person loves.

Matt Stickel works at the rescue mission in Colorado Springs, writing and sharing about lives being transformed there by God’s grace. He’s happily married to the most encouraging and hard-working wife a man could ask for, and he enjoys simple pleasures like cooking, reading, and taking long hikes.

The post Goldilocks Is Probably Still Single appeared first on Boundless Blog.