“We just don’t have that much in common.”

If you’ve said these words recently to end a promising relationship or you know someone who has, don’t worry. You’re not alone. The “Goldilocks syndrome” is a common problem in the information age.

Perhaps you or someone you know is looking for the perfect match before pursuing a relationship. Someone that’s not too this and not too that, but just right. This is what I call the Goldilocks syndrome, and it’s ruining promising relationships before they even begin.

Although the Goldilocks syndrome has been around for years, I blame online dating for making it a growing trend.

Your perfect match is just a click away … or so they say.

For me, online dating didn’t mean what it means today.

My wife and I started dating over Facebook while I was in Colorado and she was going to college in Pennsylvania. For date nights, we used to rent the same movie, cook the same meal and then video chat as we hit the “Play” button at the same time. It was an online date.

Today, online dating isn’t about how you date as much as it’s the process used to find someone to date.

Online dating has revolutionized how people search for their soulmate. You can know what kind of music someone listens to, what they do for fun, and how many calories they burned on their last workout before you even ask them out.

We’ve all seen the commercials for dating websites and apps that claim to have top-of-the-line algorithms that pinpoint “perfect matches” by pairing you with people who have similar interests and hobbies.

Essentially, these apps and sites promise you’ll find that “just right” person who loves what you love so you can live happily ever after.

And this certainly works for some people.

If you’re convinced that you need to find someone who shares your love for sushi, indie films, and roller derby to be happily married, though, let me persuade you of this: You don’t.

Opposites can attract.

The other night, my wife and I were talking about how little we had in common when we first started dating.

We were polar opposites. I enjoyed electronic dance music, and she preferred country. I preferred quiet days at home, and she enjoyed going out and having fun. I liked seafood, but it made her sick. She loved shopping for clothes, and I abhorred it.

As we continued talking about how our interests are better aligned today, something dawned on me. My interests haven’t really changed. Instead, a new one tops my list that changes everything.

My wife became my number one interest.

Over the last seven years we’ve been married, I’ve noticed her interests have grown on me. What makes her happy makes me happy, and vice versa. Everything she loves and values is important to me because I love her. Well, everything except for country music, of course.

How can this relationship ever work?

In Ephesians 5:22-33, Paul says that our marriages are reflections of Christ’s marriage with the church. I can’t imagine a dating couple who has more conflicting interests than the church and Christ.

When we first start “dating” Jesus, we don’t see how this relationship could ever work. He’s super holy and enjoys things like forgiveness and the golden rule. Whereas we’re always breaking the rules and can’t love much more than ourselves.

Over time, things improve, though. Our relationship with Jesus starts to change us so that we love what He loves. Our love for Him and His love for us completely transforms what we find lovely in the world around us.

I was shocked to find that same effect taking place in my marriage. My love for my wife is conforming and realigning my interests to complement what she enjoys and what makes her happy.

So, if you have a friend who’s looking for someone that is “just right” before beginning a serious relationship, encourage that friend to broaden his or her horizons.

Or maybe it’s you who won’t start dating someone unless their interests overlap with yours to the point where you’re practically dating yourself in the opposite sex.

God’s designed marriage in such a way that opposites can attract, and it still works. So, don’t worry about your conflicting interests, but rather look forward to learning to love and enjoy new hobbies and experiences.

Because when you love someone, you learn to love what that person loves.

Matt Stickel works at the rescue mission in Colorado Springs, writing and sharing about lives being transformed there by God’s grace. He’s happily married to the most encouraging and hard-working wife a man could ask for, and he enjoys simple pleasures like cooking, reading, and taking long hikes.

The post Goldilocks Is Probably Still Single appeared first on Boundless Blog.

As I was driving to my boyfriend’s place the other night, I realized something significant. The nervous butterflies that usually fluttered through my stomach before a date weren’t there. We were past the point where I was concerned about my appearance or about saying the wrong things or about being accepted for who I am. In a romantic setting, I’d never experienced this feeling of safety before.

Dating is scary.

Dating means handing over my emotional security to another person, and I like control. Having a relationship means trusting someone else with my feelings, and I like keeping those to myself. It means allowing him to love me — and sometimes that’s the hardest part.

When I started dating, I was afraid he wouldn’t accept me. But I was also afraid he would. I literally had a panic attack a couple weeks into the relationship because it was going well. I wasn’t used to being cared about in return. Dazed by the fact he liked me and so scared I would somehow wreck things, I was overwhelmed.

Fear can be disabling. It works as an alarm system, and in our relatively safe society it often overreacts needlessly — and for me it tends to do so regarding emotional attachment. I’m afraid of getting hurt. And that’s not an unfounded fear because having close relationships means I will get hurt. It’s not even a maybe.

Protecting myself from fear was one option in this romance: I could have distanced myself from the relationship and given up because the whirlwind of emotions was uncomfortable. But the other option was love, and I wanted it.

Being Honest

I didn’t hide my fears and anxieties from my boyfriend. For one thing, at 28 years old, what’s the point in beating around the bush and playing games — if something about me is a deal-breaker we might as well face it early on. For another, honesty is one of those great building blocks of a healthy relationship. I imagine it as a giant Lego piece that fits perfectly with love, self-sacrifice, and all that other good stuff.

So I threw my fears and deficiencies at him, one after the other, and he didn’t throw them back at me. Instead, he was patient and caring and assured me he wasn’t going anywhere. And now I’m not as afraid, even though I know there will be bumps in the road.

Trusting God

I’m guessing the Bible has so many verses that basically say “don’t be scared” because being afraid is so common. We’re not supposed to fear anything this life has to offer, including romance, because God is for us. But it’s hard to not be afraid of getting hurt because God doesn’t always protect us from negative emotions and experiences.

But by acknowledging that God is present even through times of suffering and by continuing to trust Him, I understand more and more that broken emotions — the ones that come with an unhealthy or a healthy relationship — don’t mean the end of life.

Perfect Love

Perfect love drives out fear (1 John 4:18), and though human love isn’t perfect, unconditional caring is the closest thing we’ve got. In this passage, John is not referring to romantic feelings but to the love God bears for us, which is reflected, however imperfectly, in our human relationships. While confronting my fears, I also saw the love of another as a complement to the love of God. Even though our human reflection of love is imperfect, it’s also beautiful because it mirrors something eternal. The better I get at loving God and accepting His love for me, the better I am able to love and let myself be loved in a romantic relationship.

I may be afraid, but accepting love is not only worth the alternative of isolation and self-doubt, it’s part of the two-way equation for which we were created.

The post Afraid of Romance, Accepting Unconditional Love appeared first on Boundless Blog.

“He heals the brokenhearted, and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3

After six months of dating, my first relationship ended at a Starbucks.

Two weeks before Valentine’s Day.

Before it happened, I sensed something was off in our relationship. But I pushed that uncomfortable feeling away when he abruptly said he wanted to meet. One minute I was happy to see him and the next I was darting into the restroom to bawl my eyes out after he explained the reasons we couldn’t continue our relationship (which is an entirely different blog post, friends).

I was a blubbery mess. I was shook.

Suddenly, I understood why the end of a relationship is called a breakup. It hurts, a lot.

And unless you end up marrying the first person you date, you are going to go through this awful thing. So let me offer some post-breakup self-care advice to help you heal. And trust me, it does get better.

1. Let people love you.

I don’t like for people to know when I am struggling with anything. Stiff upper lip and all. But you know what? No matter how uncomfortable it feels, it helps to let people you trust know what’s going on.

As word got out about my breakup (you’ve got to love how fast news travels in a single’s group), the text messages started coming in. My first instinct was to turn my phone off and hide in my room for the rest of my life. But that wasn’t a practical option. So I began reading the messages, and I realized something: the people who contacted me were genuinely concerned. And you know what? That in and of itself was really healing. And I wouldn’t have experienced that if I hadn’t opened up to friends.

One of my Sunday school leaders even gave me a sweet Valentine’s Day card, letting me know she was praying for me and was there if I needed to talk. Normally, I just would have shrugged and thought, That’s a nice gesture, but in this case, a simple card meant a lot to me.

Looking back, it was amazing the people God sent my way to help me. Which leads me to my next point …

2. Run to God.

As with any painful experience, it can be difficult to lean into God instead of figuratively beating Him in the chest. For me, when I was crying into countless tissues, God was the last one I wanted to run to after my relationship headed south. Eventually, I was able to go to God. I decided to believe He genuinely loved me and was going to get me through the pain of it all. I was honest when I prayed to God, letting my feelings loose, and then I rested in Scripture and worship songs. Running to God unveiled the ways He was providing for me during my recovery time.

Let me encourage you not to block God out when He desperately wants to offer you healing.

3. Disconnect from social media.

You may or may not need to go completely rogue from your social media accounts. At the very least, I am all for disconnecting from your ex on social media. When you are trying to move on from a relationship, it’s helpful if that person is not popping up in your news feed. Another reason to disconnect from social media is to get a break from the seemingly perfect lives of everyone else while you’re going through a difficult time. Do I really want to read about how your perfect significant other bought you the sweetest gift for your birthday while I’m trying to get through a breakup? No, thank you.

4. Treat yo self!

Yes. Spoil yourself. Eat chocolate ice cream for dinner. Go to that show you’ve wanted to see, and drag your friends with you (they’ll go — remember #1). Do something for you. In my case, I ate plenty of ice cream. And since my breakup happened right before Valentine’s Day, my friends and I did something fun together that night so I wasn’t stuck at home all alone.

***

You can and will make it through your breakup. I know it doesn’t feel like it at the moment, but healing will come.

What are some ways you have gotten through your past breakups? How long did it take? Share your experiences in the comments.

The post 4 Tips for Surviving a Breakup appeared first on Boundless Blog.

I confess I’ve made more than a few dating mistakes. Maybe you also cringe at some of your dating memories. I’ve experienced both dating wins and losses, but I’ve been guilty of these five mistakes on more than one occasion.

1. Using a Checklist

I’ve been guilty of approaching first dates with a private checklist of qualities and requirements. But during my late 20s, I came to realize there are a lot of things that aren’t actual deal-breakers — things like being a morning person or loving the idea of running a half marathon. Previously, I had required that my potential candidate for marriage must come with pre-installed “like” and “dislike” settings that matched my own. I’ve learned to approach first dates with a much smaller checklist of deal-breakers. Now my small list includes things like personal values and character. After all, a list like that doesn’t need to be private.

 2. Getting Out Before Ever Getting In

I’ve been guilty of running off before leaving the starting line. After going on two or even three dates, the momentum starts to build and panic sets in. And then I bail before I even bought in. Just like starting a new job, the first week can be scary, but it always pays to hang in there for a little while and see how things go. You can always leave a new job that isn’t a good fit but trying to get it back after you’ve already quit is much harder. Dating can be similar, and there are times I look back on and wish I had given more time to explore a relationship a little more deeply.

3. Comparing My Relationship

I’ve been guilty of comparing. I’ve not only compared my date to other potential options, but I’ve compared the possibility of “us” to everyone else’s “us.” God may have incredible relationship plans for me, but I’ve come to realize it probably won’t look like all of the posts that fill my social media feed. Not to mention that on social media, we typically see only the best parts, not the whole picture, of a couple’s relationship. Comparison distracts us and keeps us from holding on to the best.

4. Letting Fear of Missing Out Control Me

I’ve been guilty of letting my fear of missing out control me. What if saying yes now means I miss out on an opportunity just around the corner? It’s easy for me to be so preoccupied with who might come along in the future, and this blinder blocks the present. What if there is someone funnier or better-looking just around the corner? What if I miss out? Commitment and saying yes is scary because we all fear the wrong decision, but scarier than that is making no choice at all. I’ve been guilty of that.

5. Actually Missing Out

I’ve been guilty of actually missing out. In fact, I’ve been guilty of not living my life now because I’ve been saving up certain experiences and dreams to share with my future wife — things like learning how to create my own chalk art, traveling to a dream destination and petting a lion. It’s OK to enjoy life now, and in fact it’s critical to pursue those personal, “one day I’ll pet a lion” experiences before there’s a pile of “I wish I had gone to Thailand” dreams left over. I’m no longer afraid to live my life now. I can pursue dreams now, even before a spouse.

Have you ever been guilty of making one of these five dating mistakes? Comment below.

Kevin Dietmeyer is a full-time fitness professional and serves as a pastor for students in southern Florida. He is passionate about connecting young adults with God and their individual calls to ministry. He blogs regularly at sixhoursonatree.com.

The post 5 Dating Mistakes I’m Guilty Of appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

This week on “The Boundless Show”

Comment below: 

What baffles you most about the opposite gender’s brain?

Roundtable: Dress for Dating Success

Ever wished you could get inside the head of the opposite sex to see if they find your clothing choices attractive? Well, here’s your chance. Our brutally honest panel dishes about dating fashion preferences, what has worked for them, and fashion fails they don’t recommend.

Culture: How Men Think

What is he thinking? Why doesn’t he understand you? Communicating with the opposite gender can be frustrating and confusing; lucky for us, Dr. Mike Bechtle is here to give insight on how men and women can figure out the unique ways God wired us.

Recommended resource: “I Wish He Had Come with Instructions: The Woman’s Guide to a Man’s Brain.”

Inbox: Intimidating Career = Minimal Dating Prospects

She’s loving life as a missionary, and still longs for marriage and family. But her calling and frequent travel seem to just scare guys away. She’s about to be back in the States for six months — how can she put herself in the best position possible to potentially score some dates? Lisa Anderson weighs in.

Music: Stu Garrard

The post Your Guide to His Brain: Episode 527 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

I’m gonna go out on a limb and guess there’s something you and your girlfriend or boyfriend don’t quite see eye to eye on. Maybe it’s something small like your favorite movie genre. Or maybe it’s something bigger like having children after your married.

Here’s the important question to ask yourself: Does your boyfriend or girlfriend know that you disagree with him or her?

If your significant other doesn’t, that’s not unusual. A lot of dating couples avoid arguing about things they don’t agree on. We tend to let love abound rather than risk a big fight that might lead to a breakup.

But what if you’re hurting your relationship by avoiding arguments? Here are five ways avoiding arguments can ruin your relationship.

1. You’re not being honest about who you are.

Do you really love country music, or are you just pretending to for her? Maybe you don’t want to live in a tiny home in the woods someday, but does he know that?

Avoiding disagreements disguises who you really are. What you like and what you enjoy doing are part of who you are. So if you’re doing everything your partner enjoys but it’s really not your thing, then you should speak up.

Don’t avoid discussing something because you think it might be a deal breaker. If it is, full disclosure is great before things get too serious and major heartbreak is on the line.

Like the punchline of so many romantic comedies, you can only keep your feelings hidden for so long before the truth comes out. And when your girlfriend or boyfriend finds out, it’s going to hurt your relationship — maybe even worse than the truth would have in the first place.

2. You’re not trusting or being trustworthy.

Avoiding arguments doesn’t create trust. On the contrary, it communicates to your partner that you don’t trust her. You don’t trust that her love and fidelity for you has no limits.

My wife knows she can share anything with me. And one thing she shares is that she doesn’t agree with me sometimes.

For instance, I was ready to fight tooth and nail with our landlord last year over a carpet cleaning fee. My wife agreed the fee was ridiculous. However, she disagreed with my “righteous indignation” as I  stood up for the “principle of the matter.”

At first, I was hurt that she didn’t agree with my position. But by voicing her disagreement she demonstrated how trustworthy she is. She loves me and she only wants what’s best for me. So when she disagrees with me, I trust that she has a loving reason to do so and she trusts me to accept that.

3. You’ll fight about it eventually.

Sooner or later, that argument you’ve been avoiding will come to the surface. And when it does, it will be more destructive in your relationship than it would have been if you faced it earlier. Your dishonesty and lack of trust will result in more than hurt feelings — you’ll cause heartbreaking pain due to unsurmountable doubt.

What else do we disagree on that we haven’t wrestled over? Is our relationship built upon a solid foundation, or have we avoided more arguments like this one? Do we know each other as well as we think we do?

Doubt is uncompromising. Once doubt begins to muddy the waters of a relationship, it’s nearly impossible to restore complete transparency. It may not be easy, but it’s better to maintain clarity from the beginning by voicing your thoughts when you disagree.

4. You’re setting unrealistic expectations.

I hardly ever argued with my wife before we were married. Now we argue about something every week. Our arguments rarely get heated to the point of fighting, but we do disagree with each other and we’re not afraid to say so.

If you never argue with your boyfriend or girlfriend, then you should start. Because that’s what married couples do. And it’s a good thing. Relationships between two sinful people aren’t perfect. You’re not always going to get along with your partner, and it’s important to know what to say and do when you don’t. Arguing helps relationships grow and flourish through greater understanding and compromise.

So, if you have a perfect, argument-free relationship with someone, then dig deeper. There’s little to argue about in a shallow, superficial relationship. If you’re arguing, that’s a good sign that you and your partner are invested in the relationship and taking things seriously.

5. You’re not practicing healthy conflict resolution.

One of the reasons marriages fall apart and couples divorce is they don’t practice healthy conflict resolution before they tie the knot.

Wouldn’t you want to know the person your dating has a tendency to hold grudges or always plays the victim? You’ll never know that as long as you avoid disagreements and arguments while you’re dating.

In Colossians 3:13, Paul called us to be “bearing with one another and, if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other.” This is an important part of putting on the new self in Christ and putting off the old self that entails malice, slander and lying to one another (vv. 8-9).

If you have a complaint against your boyfriend or girlfriend, Paul doesn’t say bear it alone and just forgive him. He says bear it together and forgive each other.

Be honest and talk about it when you don’t see eye to eye. Don’t just glance over it and trust that it will sort itself out. Rather, trust your partner to respond to your honesty with love, then find a healthy compromise and bear with each other’s differences, giving forgiveness when it’s needed.

The post 5 Ways Avoiding Arguments Can Ruin Your Relationship appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

This week on “The Boundless Show”

Comment below:

How can you practically draw close to God when you experience longings to be seen?

Roundtable: The Ugly Truth About Beauty

Boundless contributor Joshua Rogers wrote this week’s feature article titled “When Guys Don’t Notice You.” Let’s just say the article didn’t have that problem; it got noticed. Readers were divided on whether they found the article helpful or hurtful. Some thought it downright vicious. We thought its points merited further discussion, so this week we dig into beauty, attraction, worth and wounding in an attempt to separate the inevitable from the inspired.

Culture: It’s OK to Be Unseen

Ever wish someone was thinking about you all the time? Yeah, we do too. But instead of pushing away that longing, we can use it to draw closer to God in little moments of everyday life. It sounds cliché, but it’s actually very doable, and it changed author Sara Hagerty’s life. Join us as Lisa and Sara talk about how to feel like God loves and sees you, even when you’re not doing “big things.”

Recommended resource: “Unseen: The Gift of Being Hidden in a World That Loves to Be Noticed.”

Inbox: Sex and Starbucks

A listener is dating a guy, and it’s mostly going well — but they’re going too far physically. What can they do practically to stop sliding into sexual sin? Joshua Rogers shares his personal experience and offers advice (and Lisa makes a weird comment about Starbucks).

Music: Austin Stone Worship

The post You Are Seen: Episode 531 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

A new documentary titled “The Dating Project” hits theaters for one night only this coming Tuesday, April 17. Presented by PureFlix and Paulist Productions, the film follows five single adults of varying ages and backgrounds in their quest for lasting love in a modern age. Along the way, they grapple with understanding today’s dating culture and their place in it — and it’s not always pretty.

I got to screen the documentary in advance, and though their stories are certainly unique, I saw a fair amount of myself in these young adults. I’ve been the workaholic who puts relationships on the back burner. I’m often the clueless one who can’t figure out if she’s on a date or just a “hangout.” I’ve tried to change myself (even my personality) to fit what I hope a guy will like better than the real “me.”

The reality is there’s no prescription for successful dating. You can’t apply a formula to your relationships, add everything up, and get the result of lasting love and happiness. Bummer. What you can do is apply healthy principles (both biblical and practical) to your relationships so that you’re not stuck in the dead-end patterns that this documentary describes.

How do you do that?

Boundless has created a six-session video conversation with discussion questions specifically designed to address the questions and situations raised in the film. Questions like:

Why is no one asking me out?

How do I establish appropriate boundaries in dating?

How do I know if it’s a date?

What’s my role in dating? How proactive do I need to be?

Is sex an expected part of the dating equation? 

Hosted by “The Dating Project” director Jon Cipiti and featuring insights from myself and relationship experts Henry Cloud, Gary Thomas and Debra Fileta, the sessions were filmed in front of a group of single adults, themselves trying to navigate the dating landscape. Their questions and comments are featured throughout.

So, on Tuesday, find a theater near you, grab some friends, and go see the documentary. Then, schedule time over the next six weeks to walk through “The Dating Project: A Boundless Coversation” using the videos and discussion questions provided as a springboard for discovery and conversation (we’ll be sharing a link to get our curriculum soon). As you go through each week’s sessions, share your thoughts below. After all, with the craziness in dating today, we’d do well to listen to God first and wise counselors second.

Have fun with it and commit to date differently in the process.

The post “The Dating Project” Documentary (Plus a Curriculum From Boundless!) appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

This week on “The Boundless Show”

Comment below:

As a millennial, what difficulties do you have with relating to older generations at work? What have you done to solve this generational conflict and misunderstanding?

Roundtable: Generational Office Politics

To continue discussing this week’s feature article about millennials in the workplace, we asked a group of young adults how confident they feel about relating to older generations at work, and the response was almost unanimous: not very confident. So Lisa sat down with two millennials and a baby boomer who’s supervised millennials for 15 years. They talked about the most common generational issues and how to alleviate related workplace conflict and misunderstanding.

Culture: Dating a Single Parent

You’re on a date. It’s going well. Then, your date drops the news: She has kids. What do you do now? Since divorce rates are climbing and millennials are having more kids out of wedlock, this scenario is actually pretty likely. Solo Parent Society founder Robert Beeson is here to share practical ways to date and relate to the single parents in your life.

Inbox: Overcoming Church Anxiety

She had a bad experience at her church, and is now experiencing a lot of anxiety about going back. Should she switch churches? Talk to the pastor? What’s the root of her nerves? Licensed counselor Glenn Lutjens offers advice.

Music: Audio Adrenaline

The post When Your Date Has Kids: Episode 533 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

My high school and college years were miserable. It felt like I was constantly being rejected. Every girl I pursued turned me down. Friends just stopped talking to me, and there wasn’t anyone standing in line to take their place.

I couldn’t help but wonder, What’s wrong with me? Every time I put myself out there, no one seemed interested. Life was full of rejection. I felt unlovable. I’ve never felt so depressed in all my life.

But rejection wasn’t my greatest enemy at the time. Neither was the insecurity that grew as a result. My greatest enemy was the person turning my rejection and insecurity into an opportunity to distract me from the truth: I was already loved.

Fight the enemy, not your vulnerability.

Vulnerability. It’s the soft spots, the exposed parts, the insecurities and the perceived weaknesses that God builds into our physical, mental and emotional makeup.

In the dating realm, it’s walking up to your crush and asking her out. It’s going out on a limb and saying the words “I love you” first. It’s getting down on one knee and asking someone to spend the rest of her life with you.

These are the pressure points Satan will target. By applying a little pressure in just the right spot, Satan can cripple you. Like a predator studying his prey, Satan is watching you and is always ready to exploit your vulnerabilities.

Nothing hurts more than when you expose where you’re most vulnerable and someone stabs you. And when you tell someone how you feel but the feeling isn’t mutual, it stings.

Like most people, I’ve never handled rejection well. If I pour out my heart and someone says “no thanks,” then I internalize it and tear myself apart. Nothing amplifies my insecurities like rejection. Through rejection, I’m reminded I’m not ______ enough or that I’m too ______ (we all fill in the blanks differently).

Satan doesn’t want you to feel loved.

Satan wasn’t the cause of my rejection, but he filled my head with lies just as soon as I hear the word “nope.”

His lies are subtle and disguised as comfort. Satan would have you believe he’s got your back by delicately tearing you down so it feels like he’s building you up later. It goes something like this:  “Oh dear, that must hurt. Don’t worry, though. You’ll find love someday. Keep working on your appearance and self-confidence. That’s the key.” Satan takes your rejection and focuses your attention on your insecurities and where you’re most vulnerable. “Fix these things, and you stand a better chance of finding love,” he says.

Satan was telling me a lie: that what other people thought about me was important and that being who people wanted me to be was the pathway to love and acceptance. And I believed this lie.

So I responded to rejection by focusing on winning people’s approval. I obsessed over outward appearances, keeping up with bad trends to fit in, building self-confidence. I avoided conflict when it shouldn’t have been, and I let people take advantage of me.

I needed a reality check, and it finally came in the form of a trip to Asia. I needed God to pop my self-loving and self-loathing bubble. As long as I was obsessed with finding my true love, I was oblivious to the love I already possessed.

When I saw firsthand how the other half of the world lived, it was eye-opening. My heart was broken and mended at the same time. When, I heard terrible stories of persecution, I was deeply ashamed that I had so many gifts and blessings from God, even God himself, and yet I had let silly dating rejections and Satan’s lies convince me I was unlovable.

You are loved.

As long as you feel like love is just out of reach, you won’t notice that it’s already sitting in your lap. And Satan will never remind you of the true source of love: “By this we know love, that [Jesus] laid down his life for us” (1 John 3:16).

Love isn’t earned. It’s freely given. Jesus didn’t lay down His life for us because we earned it. He laid down his life for us because we could never earn His love and it had to be freely given.

When the right person comes along, he or she won’t reject you. And it’s not because you’ve mastered the art of earning people’s love and acceptance. All the superficial things that Satan focuses your attention on won’t matter. This person will love you simply because his or her love is freely given.

Satan’s lies prevailed in my life when I made love all about what I could and should get out of it. When I put the last things first and the first things last, everything was a mess. I was so focused on finding love and acceptance that I denied the love and acceptance I already had in Jesus.

It’s no wonder God kept putting rejection after rejection in my way as I searched for love. You could say I had a garden full of the best fruit in the world to eat, but the fruit I wanted most was the only fruit out of reach.

And that’s why Satan is so dangerous. This isn’t his first rodeo. He’s been doing this for a while now. So don’t listen to his lies, and remember that rejection doesn’t mean you’re unlovable.

The post Rejection Doesn’t Mean You’re Unlovable appeared first on Boundless Blog.

The idea of being set up on a date used to be objectionable to me. It seemed as if I was lowering my standards because I couldn’t find someone on my own, or as if I wasn’t trusting God to dump a guy on my doorstep.

So I was uncertain when my best friend, Kyle, told me, “I know someone I think you may really like. Can I set you up on a date?” But after thinking about it, I realized that I trusted Kyle. He knows me well, and he’s a good judge of character.

And I realized a few other things: Saying no because of pride that I hadn’t found someone on my own wasn’t a good reason. Being set up by a friend was more appealing to me than going out with a stranger I met on a dating app, because my date was recommended by someone I trust. Also, going on a date wasn’t equivalent to a marriage proposal. If I was uninterested, Kyle would accept that and I didn’t have to see the guy again.

So I said yes. And now I’m happily engaged to the guy Kyle set me up with! (Yes, I’m still a little in shock at this awesomeness.)

I appreciated how Kyle handled the initial set-up and the attitude he encouraged me to take about it. Here are some suggestions if this is a situation you find yourself in.

For the Person Who’s Setting Up Friends

1. DON’T set up two people just because they’re both single. My best friend put some serious thought into setting us up. He took into consideration our similar interests, personalities and beliefs, not just that we were both around 30 and single because hey, that’s all we should be asking for this late in the game, right? Wrong — a compatible relationship is more than just matching age and marital status.

2. DO ask your friend permission to set her up. I appreciate that Kyle asked first, and didn’t just invite the two of us over for dinner and pretend like nothing was going on.

3. DON’T be upset if it doesn’t work out. In my case, it did work out. But Kyle wouldn’t have taken it personally if it hadn’t. I didn’t need the extra pressure of “my best friend will be hurt if this doesn’t work out.”

4. DO pray about it. Being set up doesn’t mean God’s hand isn’t in it. I appreciate that Kyle prayed and thought deeply about the match before setting me up. God can work through other people to make amazing things happen.

For the Person Being Set Up

1. DO go on a double date if you are nervous. Who says it has to be just the two of you? My friend and his wife came along on our date; we went to a board game café and played games together. It relieved the tension because I could get to know my date without the pressure of figuring out how to fill awkward silence — my friends did it for me! They also left early so we had some time to ourselves at the end of the night. By that point some of my nervousness had abated, and we were able to get to know each other one-on-one. However, if I hadn’t been interested, I could easily have left at the same time my friends did without appearing rude.

2. DON’T feel like the date has to go well because your friend wants it to. It’s just a date. You’re free to feel nervous, but it’s fine if things don’t work out.

3. DO let your friend know you appreciate he cares. Kyle didn’t set me up because he wanted to play matchmaker. He did so because he knew I deeply desired a relationship and wanted to see that happen for me in a joyful, healthy way. Regardless of how the date went, I appreciated his thoughtfulness.

4. DON’T rely on your friend’s knowledge. Get to know your date for yourself. You may trust your friend completely, but at the end of the day, you’re the one going on a second date with this person (or not). It’s up to you to get to know her for yourself.

If you are looking for a relationship but are struggling with the minefield of online dating, consider approaching your close friends and asking them to think about setting you up. But if you do ask, make sure you’re open to it — you may be surprised by how seriously they take your request. Now, what have you got to lose?

The post Setting Up Friends and Being Set Up: The Dos and Don’ts appeared first on Boundless Blog.

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This week on “The Boundless Show”

Comment below:

What can your high school or college self teach you?

Roundtable: Let Your Younger Self Teach You

It’s May, and our social media feeds are filling up with smiling photos of high school and college grads. As good as it feels to give advice to those following on our heels, what if our younger selves have something to teach us today? Find your old college sweatshirt, eat some mediocre dining hall food and join us as we reflect on the good — and not so good — things we can learn from who we were in college.

Culture: Two Guys, One Wheelchair, 500 Miles

He was watching a documentary about the 500-mile Camino de Santiago in Europe. Justin turned to his best friend, Patrick, and said, “Hey, want to hike that?” Patrick replied, “I’ll push you.” And that’s where it all began. Justin is in a wheelchair with a neurodegenerative disease, unable to move his arms or legs. Patrick pushed (and sometimes carried) him 500 miles across France and Spain, and it was truly the journey of a lifetime. Hear their story and how they got two things we all want: a close friendship and a summer adventure.

Patrick and Justin’s book: “I’ll Push You: A Journey of 500 Miles, Two Best Friends, and One Wheelchair”

Also watch our video interview with Patrick and Justin!

Inbox: Pining Away

She’s had a crush on him for over a year. She tried to make it as obvious as possible, but he’s not responding or showing any initiative. It’d be nice if there were a switch to turn off feelings … but there’s not. What can she do? Should she just wait around? Marriage expert Greg Smalley steps into the studio this week to tackle this listener question.

Music: Jonathan Cain

The post 500 Miles of Friendship: Episode 535 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

I had been reading articles on Boundless for over 10 years, but last year I began commenting more often on Boundless’ Facebook posts.

One Wednesday afternoon in November 2017, I received a Facebook message request from a guy named Chris Murphy. Because I get business inquiries on Facebook, I opened and read the message even though I didn’t know him. I was quite surprised to read that he was a fellow Boundless reader and had seen my comment on Boundless’ Facebook post about an article about church.

In this message, Chris told me a bit about himself. He also said he had looked at my Facebook profile, and it seemed I was a nice Christian young lady and, if I was interested, he’d like to get to know me. I appreciated his honesty and openness. So I replied with a short message, letting him know I was busy teaching piano lessons right then but I’d write more later. He immediately replied. I waited a day or two before replying, and again he replied right away. I made a quick, wrong assumption that he was desperate, and I wondered if I should even give him a chance. But I kept replying, and I later learned he always answers messages right away and was just being his normal self, not desperate.

Because I was in a busy season of life, I wasn’t sure how much time I wanted to dedicate to this possible relationship. Just three weeks prior to Chris’ first message I had informed my employer that I’d be leaving my job at the end of the year. My music business was growing and everything was moving along really well. Because I was branching out into the self-employed world, my word for this season was “faith.” I was learning to trust God to take care of me and to direct my steps. And maybe, just maybe, God was using this interruption named Chris to grow my faith!

After a few more messages, Chris said he’d like to take me out on a date. I really didn’t want him to drive three hours each way to take me to dinner if I didn’t feel there was any possibility of a second date. I also didn’t think I knew him well enough and didn’t like the idea of going out with a complete stranger. But I didn’t want to cut it off completely, just because I wasn’t ready yet. So I put off his invitation, saying I thought there was more we could get to know about each other before meeting in person. I think he took it as a challenge because we spent a lot of time writing many pages of messages and answering lists of questions! During that time I also read Lisa Anderson’s book, “The Dating Manifesto.” Finally, I decided it was time to meet Chris.

I knew a first meeting would be awkward, so on my way to meet Chris, I asked God to make the date and relationship feel natural if it was to continue. Our first date was eight and a half hours long, which included lunch, walking a couple of trails at Desoto State Park in Alabama and dinner at Ruby Tuesday. The initial meeting wasn’t awkward and the day flowed nicely. By midafternoon we had scheduled to get together the very next weekend. When we parted ways that evening, he waved and said, “Bye, I love you!” and was promptly horrified. The look on his face was priceless! I, on the other hand, was on cloud nine. He had said it so naturally — it was an answer to my prayer.

On our second date we discussed the possibility of a relationship and what the future might look like. I was trying not to read between the lines but I also didn’t want to ask, “So, are we dating?!” After dinner he mentioned he had seen a picture I posted on Facebook of my nephew wearing a onesie that said, “My mom is taken but my aunt is single and fun!” Chris looked at me and said, “I think you’re fun, but I wouldn’t call you single.” I was happy for the clarification of our status and excited to officially be dating Chris.

Because of the 200 miles between us and the differences in our schedules, several weeks went by before we met each other’s family. During this time, we spent most evenings on FaceTime. We are very thankful for technology! We also decided we’d try to get together at least once every two weeks — either he’d come to me, I’d go to him or we’d meet in the middle.

On Good Friday we met at his parents’ house to spend Easter weekend together with his family. When I arrived, he took me to Oak Mountain State Park in Birmingham, Alabama. We were walking on a trail to a waterfall, when Chris stopped and told me he had a question for me. Then he got down on one knee and asked me to marry him. I said, “Yes, I will!” And he gave me the most beautiful ring!

We’re now preparing for our wedding in September in Chattanooga, Tennessee, and we’re so thankful God chose Boundless to bring us together!

***

Are you engaged or newly married? We’d love to hear your story and how Boundless was helpful to you along the way! Email us at editor@boundless.org.

The post Engagement Stories: Bethany & Chris appeared first on Boundless Blog.

I’ve spent the majority of my 29 years as a single person. I’ve struggled with the ups and downs and the loneliness associated with being unmarried. I’ve responded to questions of “Why are you still single?” with nonconfrontational mumbles, despite being annoyed at the query and reminder of my relationship status.

I told myself there were many advantages to being single — and there are: it’s a valid life choice or stage, not a stepping stone to something greater. But it can be a struggle when you desire a partner to face life with, when you wish there was someone who would consider you a priority, someone who would hold you when you’re stressed and would handle financial struggles with you and argue about Team Cap vs. Team Iron Man.

Now that I’m happily engaged, I am aware of the blissful bubble I’m living in. I know what it looks like from a single person peering in from the outside, because I’ve been that single person. And now I wonder how best I can love the single people in my life. Despite the fact I’ve been in single shoes for most of my life, it’s shockingly different on this end. It’s easy to get lost in the romance, and I need to remind myself that others may be feeling lonely.

Some lovely single women helped me think through what could help. So if you’re in a new relationship or newly engaged, here’s five ways you can love your single friends. Though I’ll confess, I’ve been failing at a lot of these.

1. Don’t assume your significant other is automatically invited.

You’re still two separate people, and someone may prefer to interact with just you or your partner. In fact, some of your friends may be missing their alone time with you and are uncomfortable about sharing private details of their life in front of a third party. Maybe they just want a girls’ or guys’ night. Maybe your significant other isn’t a good fit for whatever their plans are.

2. Ask your single friends to hang out with the two of you.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, don’t assume your single friends never want to hang out with the two of you! One of my single friends surprised me by asking to be the third wheel on a date sometime. She wasn’t getting the chance to chat much with my fiancé during larger group hangouts, and she wanted to get to know him better.

3. Make time for your single friends.

I’m definitely struggling with this one, because successfully mashing two people’s schedules together requires a TARDIS. Suddenly, my calendar includes someone else’s timetable, and we have double the friends to see and twice as many events to attend. And now wedding planning on top of it! Finding time for everyone I love, plus the space to breathe, is tricky. But my fiancé and I are making a conscious effort not to spend all our free time holed up alone together, as much as we might want to (because let’s face it, we are in the euphoric stage where that’s all we want to do). Continuing to hang out with others, in groups and one-on-one, is healthy for all the relationships involved.

4. Be sensitive about your friends’ singleness.

This doesn’t mean expecting them to shatter like glass every time they see you two holding hands, or showering them with pity. It means asking them how their lives are going (whether that includes dating or not) and what they’re struggling with as singles. It may also mean limiting public displays of affection — shockingly difficult at the beginning of a relationship even if touch isn’t your primary love language — and reducing inside jokes or private whispers to each other.

5. Listen.

Closely tied to making time for them, actively listening is huge. Maybe this means even taking time to write down some of the things your single friends are struggling with so you remember to pray for them. Your friends know  you’re caught up in your new relationship, and your attention to their friendship during this time will probably mean a lot to them.

***

Even in the short time I’ve been engaged, it’s easy to forget what being single was like or to ignore the pain of others because I’m so happy. But as a Christ-centered community, we are to bear one another’s burdens and consider the struggles of those around us. I don’t want to lose that desire because I’m in a joyful place right now. I want to make space for the single people I care about and remind them they are loved, just as others reminded me when I was single.

The post 5 Ways New Couples Can Love Their Single Friends appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

This week on “The Boundless Show”

Comment below:

If you’re a guy, what tips would you give to girls who want to talk to you without being awkward?
If you’re a girl, how do you talk to a guy and keep a conversation going without making it awkward?

Roundtable: The Dos and Don’ts of Talking to Guys

You’re leaving small group when the new guy strikes up a conversation with you. After a few minutes, the conversation dies. Was it you, or is this guy just awkward? What do men like talking about, anyway? Join us for part one of our two-part series on communicating with the opposite sex.

Culture: Shame Off You (Part 1)

She signed the True Love Waits cards, went on dates with Dad and rarely missed youth group — but also viewed porn, slept around and got pregnant two times. Jamie Ivey sits down with Lisa to talk about how she’s no longer ashamed of her messy past, and how you can believe God loves you even when you feel unloveable.

Jamie’s book: If You Only Knew

Inbox: Tired Heart

He was engaged, but it didn’t work out, and he’s still recovering. When will he know it’s time to move on? How does he get the courage to rejoin the dating scene? One of our licensed counselors offers practical steps for healing a broken, tired heart.

Featured musical artist: Liz Vice

The post How to Talk to Guys: Episode 537 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

“How do married people do this?” I exclaimed to my friend after admitting how stressed I am. My fiancé and I are struggling with managing our time — or, should I say, finding time to rest amid all the busyness.

Being busy every day is my nightmare-turned-reality now that I’m engaged. As someone who struggles with fatigue in the first place, a crazy schedule is a challenge for me. However, it makes sense that time is an issue when you mash up two people’s schedules together, even if neither of them are particularly busy people. Suddenly you have two sets of family and friends you want to make time for, two sets of events to attend, two lives that need to merge.

I was single until 28, so it’s not like I’ve been waiting for someone to come fill the holes in my schedule — I populated them myself with things I wanted to do, factoring in the rest time I needed. But now I feel like we only have time for the bare minimum, nevermind the extra little fun things we want to do or all the people we want to see. We cut back on activities, yet our evenings still somehow fill up.

We’re still learning how to make this work, but here’s what we’re doing to streamline our time management and give us enough rest so we can make it through each week.

1. Communicate With Each Other

Communication is probably the most important way to manage time effectively. Realizing at the last minute we’ve scheduled something on the same day is an unneeded addition to stress. Reminding each other about upcoming events and activities we need to plan for is helpful too — neither of us is great at remembering stuff but at least there’s a better chance when two of us know about it. Sharing our calendars has also allowed us to keep track of each other’s schedules, both the things we’re doing together and separately. Doing so has helped me feel much more organized and less stressed.

We also check in with each other before saying yes to something, which I appreciate. I’m a planner, and I like to know things in advance; being blindsided by an event the day of would make me panic, even if I hadn’t scheduled anything that day.

2. Schedule a Day of Rest

After both our stress levels were on the rise, we decided to try scheduling a day of nothing. And it has to be scheduled, otherwise an empty day gets filled up with all the things! This has been incredibly difficult to do, because we have people who want to spend time with us, errands to run, preparations for the wedding to make, game nights to host, family to see. A whole day of staying at home seems like a waste. But I think it’ll be key to my survival and peace of mind. I need the downtime. My brain needs to stop working overtime so it can rest.

3. Do Chores Together

Sometimes it feels like we have to choose between having a clean home and fresh laundry or spending time with each other. Chores need to get done, so rather than miss out on quality time, we’ll often do them together. Making supper together has been a quiet time of bonding. I don’t mind staying in so he can do laundry; he doesn’t mind picking me up after I drop my car off at the mechanic. Plus, I feel like doing these activities together is a helpful precursor to married life.

4. Learn When to Say No

Saying no is a balancing act. I always want to say yes. A friend needs help watching their kids? Sure. We’ve been invited to a movie? Yes, please. Our church is having a pie fundraiser? Let’s go! My family wants to have brunch? Of course.

All the things we want to say yes to are valid, wonderful, important things. Yet, we need to say no sometimes, for the sake of our mental and physical health. However, there’s also the danger of getting so good at saying no that it becomes our default answer and we retreat into our own little world together, never making time for friends or space for ways we can positively impact others. I don’t want our health or our relationships to deteriorate, which requires wisdom to know when to say no.

5. Pray

I feel more at peace when I make time to pray throughout the week. Even a minute or two of laying my burdens on God can deflate much of my stress; and even if it doesn’t, I’m still reminded that God is with me throughout my busyness. God tells us to approach Him when we are busy, stressed and weary: “Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest” (Matthew 11:28). Spending time in prayer with my fiancé is also a valuable tool for us to together focus on what’s important and find peace.

***

We’re still figuring out how to navigate the busyness of two schedules, and I don’t pretend to have all the answers. In fact, I’m not sure there is always an answer —  sometimes we’re just going to be tired and stressed, and that’s OK. God watches over us, and we can find peace in Him through times of busyness and stress. I’m thankful God’s calendar always has space for us.

The post 5 Tips for Managing Time as a Couple appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

This week on “The Boundless Show”

Comment below:

If you’re a guy, how do you talk to girls — without being awkward?
If you’re a girl, what are your tips for guys who are trying to talk to girls?

Roundtable: The Dos and Don’ts of Talking to Girls

Last week, we spoke to the ladies about how to carry on good convos with guys (catch that conversation here). This week we flip the script — how can men successfully talk to women, whether or not they’re romantically interested in them? Join us as we navigate gender differences and discuss how to be yourself, identify what girls want to talk about and confidently ask out the girl you’re crushing on.

Culture: Shame Off You (Part 2)

So many authors write books about their past struggles, and then tie them up in a nice bow. Jamie Ivey is different. The host of “The Happy Hour” podcast dished on her messy past last week in her conversation with Lisa, then we asked her to stick around to talk about her recent struggles with porn, how to find the right accountability partner and what hope there is for the person covered in shame.

If you’re struggling with porn or other sexual sin, you’re not alone and Boundless wants to help you. Call or email Focus on the Family’s free counseling service for help.

Get Jamie’s book (and support Boundless at the same time!): If You Only Knew: My Unlikely, Unavoidable Story of Becoming Free

Related articles:
Practical Steps for Breaking Pornography Addiction
Freedom from Shame, Strength in Vulnerability

Inbox: Rethinking Romances

She loves reading, but she used to read erotic books that didn’t do her mind any favors. Now she’s trying to guard her mind, but keeps getting sucked into romances, since, let’s be honest, they’re everywhere. Should she just avoid reading or watching any kind of romantic storyline at all? What about Christian romances? Lisa offers advice.

Featured musical artist: Ellie Holcomb

The post How to Talk to Girls: Episode 538 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

This week on “The Boundless Show”

Comment below:

How do you think men can live out masculinity in God-honoring ways in the 21st century?

Roundtable: Modern Masculinity

Clearly, society wants guys to be unicorns. Men are supposed to be leaders, but not aggressive; protective, yet gentle; humble, yet confident. But what does finding that balance actually look like? And in the maelstrom of our culture’s cries regarding “toxic masculinity,” what does it all mean? Lisa sits down with three men, all living out masculinity in different ways, to discuss what being a real, God-honoring man looks like today.

Culture: Value Your Church

“Finding a church is easy” — said no one ever. So why is it so hard for us to find what Lisa calls our “tribe” at church? How do we pick a church that has a good community for us to plug into? Pastor Todd Wagner might have some clues; he leads a church with one of the largest singles ministries in the country. This week he leaves us with some surprising truth bombs about how Jesus and His church might have what we’ve been looking for all along.

Get Todd’s book (and support Boundless!): “Come and See: Everything You Ever Wanted in the One Place You’d Never Look”

Inbox: Put a Ring on It (but Not Yet)

They’ve been dating for over a year, and her boyfriend is ready to take the plunge and get engaged. But she feels like it’s a little too soon. How can she respect her boyfriend’s need for answers, but not feel rushed or pressured? One of our counselors gives this listener some solid advice.

Featured musical artist: James Peden

The post Find Your Tribe: Episode 539 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

I’m in an interracial relationship.

Mike is black and I’m white. I’ve always been attracted to men with darker skin, and Mike’s always been attracted to lighter-skinned women.

We’re both incredibly blessed to have parents who supported our relationship right away, which isn’t always the case for interracial couples. The Lord has blessed our relationship from the beginning — though we’ve had to work through a lot, including our cultural differences.

So here’s some of our story, about us working through some differences. And even if you’re not dating interracially, chances are, your significant other is vastly different from you.

Ask questions. It’s really OK.

When dating someone of another race or background, the most important thing is this: humbly ask questions and take time to listen and respond to questions you’ve asked. Issues of race, ethnicity and culture can be touchy topics, especially if you don’t understand the details. But how will you understand the details until you’ve asked the questions?

Mike and I have learned the importance of talking about everything. And I mean everything. I’m not embarrassed to ask questions — even questions about black culture that might confuse me.

Near the beginning of our relationship, I said something really stupid to Mike. I was putting on sunscreen. Thanks to my daddy’s heavily Irish genes, I’m ghostly pale. Without even thinking about it, I gave Mike the bottle of sunscreen and told him to put some on. He looked at me, smiled, and handed back the bottle.

“No, Mike,” I said. “You don’t know what you’re doing. Listen to me, put on the sunscreen.”

He laughed and motioned toward his skin. It finally clicked.

“Wait.” I paused. “Can black people get sunburned?”

Looking back now, it was an innocent question. How would I know? But at the time, it felt so insensitive, so offensive.

“I mean …” I immediately tried to correct myself to make it sound better, but I only made it much worse. “You know what I mean, because, like, it wouldn’t show up on your black skin.”

Foot. In. Mouth.

Mike, being the considerate, grace-filled person that he is, simply laughed. He explained that black people can still get a sunburn, but they absorb vitamin D at a lower rate than white people, so some sun is OK for his skin — though he could still theoretically wear sunscreen if the sun is too intense.

I wasn’t being racist. I was ignorant, so I asked.

If your partner is of a different race than you and you ask a question out of concern or genuine curiosity, chances are, he or she will laugh or answer kindly. It’s sort of like meeting someone with an accent. Asking that person where they’re from — whether that’s from Boston, Holland or South Korea — isn’t offensive. As long as you ask kindly and respectfully, most of the time, people are happy to give you an answer.

People are people — black, white, Asian, Hispanic … we’re all created in the Lord’s image.

You’re not THAT different. Trust me.

We’re each unique, but there are more commonalities between us than you’d think. I’ve learned that.

Your significant other’s family dynamic can take a long time to understand. And if you’re dating someone of another race, it might take even longer.

Family parties are different, jokes are different and even food can be different. I was raised in a majority black church, so I’m a lot more comfortable with black culture than some white people I know. But I’m still not used to eating soul food on Thanksgiving. I remember going to Mike’s aunt’s house our first Thanksgiving together. I wasn’t used to eating fried chicken, pigs feet and turkey for the holiday — but I gave it a go and had heart burn after. The next time, I stuck with the turkey and it didn’t hinder my relationship with Mike or his family. At all.

The best advice I can give is to be yourself.

Families can often tell right away if the person their son or daughter is dating is being sincere. It’s unlikely your significant other’s family is going to judge you based off whether or not you laugh at the same jokes or like the same food. But your significant other’s family will likely judge you by how you carry yourself, how comfortable you are in a new surrounding and if you clearly care about the person you’re dating.

I’ve learned a lot. But I’m still learning.

Mike and I have been dating for over five years. And as of May 12, we’re husband and wife. It’s crazy to think about.

Throughout those five years, we’ve talked a lot about issues of race and culture. We’ve talked about injustice and the Lord’s provision. Now that we’re married, we often talk about having children eventually. I’ve talked to biracial friends of mine who say that growing up biracial wasn’t easy. It brought on different frustrations than being just white or just black. And often biracial children have a hard time figuring out which culture or group they fit into.

I think an important element is the larger family dynamic. Mike and I try to spend time with both of our families. Mike’s parents and extended family treated me as family the first day I met them. My family was the same way with Mike. Although cultures have differences and people have differences and preferences, something Mike and I always want is for our children to be seen as an image of the Creator first and foremost and for them to see all people in that same light.

That’s not easy. It’s messy and complicated and full of uncertainties and frustrations. But that’s life. The messier and heavier our load is, the more we find rest in empathy and compassion. If you’re in an interracial relationship, it won’t be easy. But give one another grace, ask questions and see the goodness of the Lord in the messiness of life.

The post I’m in an Interracial Relationship (Part 1) appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Breakups happen. They’re sloppy, they’re ugly, and the emotional distress they create is undeniable.

It’s because the emotional distress is real that you must take breakups seriously, even when no one else seems to care.

When I encountered my first broken heart, it was the loneliest I’d ever been. I grieved as if someone in my life had vanished. Outside a few friends my age, no one else showed sympathy or concern for me. The people I looked up to and depended on for protection didn’t seem to see or care about the emotional turmoil I was contending with in my heart.

Not only did I get rejected by my love interest, I was forsaken by everyone else, too.

Breakups cause real grief.

Back in high school, I wasn’t allowed to date. My parents half-jokingly, half-seriously outlawed dating until I finished college. Ignoring their wisdom, I tried dating a classmate anyway.

Long story short, my heart was shattered, and I was dealing with some new emotions as a youth. I was grieving, and I didn’t know how to.

I didn’t tell my parents because I expected a response like, “Serves you right for breaking our no-dating rule” (which they would never have given me). And the friends and co-workers I shared my story and grief with didn’t seem concerned.

The pain in my heart was undeniable. I was grieving a real loss in my life. In a single breakup, I lost a dear friend, trust in others, a piece of joy, a bright dream and a lump of the identity I’d invested in the relationship.

Everyone else treated my broken heart like I’d just lost puppy love: Listen to two Taylor Swift breakup ballads, watch “The Notebook” and call me in the morning. The advice was simple: Get over it. It’s not that big a deal.

But it was a big deal in my inexperienced heart.

If you know someone healing from a breakup …

If you know someone dealing with a breakup, here are simple ways you can support them.

The first thing is essential. Take the situation seriously. It’s not a joke. There’s a real grief and emotional vulnerability in your friend’s, sister’s, brother’s or child’s heart that needs reassuring, loving and grace-filled words to heal. Be sincere in your concern for them and don’t downplay their loss.

Here’s a recommendation when chatting with a person healing from a breakup: If you wouldn’t say it to a grieving widow, then don’t say it. Yes, you’re right, he or she isn’t dealing with the death of a spouse or a loved one. But how a person grieves a breakup as a young adult will set the stage for how he or she grieves future tragedies the rest of their life.

For example, as an adult, I internalize my emotional distress when grieving because I didn’t share with others after my teenage breakup. That’s not anyone else’s fault but my own. But I discovered this bad coping habit as a grieving teen when there was seemingly no one to turn to.

Second, because those healing from breakups are grieving a real loss and dealing with real emotional distress, encourage them to guard their hearts.

Satan and temptation will take advantage of their broken hearts. TV, movies, music and books provide awful examples of how to get over a breakup. They also do an excellent job of massaging where it hurts. But being immersed in romantic tragedies only helps the wounded heart bleed worse. So, whatever you do, don’t let the ones you love self-medicate on the terrible ideas and offerings ever-present in entertainment.

Instead, sit with them, talk with them, listen to them, pray with them, and tell them you love them as often as you can. Remind them about their identity in Christ. They feel lost and abandoned. Encompass them with your love and point them to God’s unlimited love as their hero in seasons like these.

If you are someone healing from a breakup …

If you are that “someone” who is healing from a breakup, there are simple things you can do to encourage others to help you during this time.

First, don’t be alone. The temptation to do so is a self-fulfilling prophecy. After my first broken heart, I felt all alone. The person I loved left me and the people who said they loved me didn’t seem to care. I thought I had no one, and I made sure of it by avoiding everyone. This tactic ensured that I was all alone, and it only made things worse.

Instead, surround yourself with people who love you, even ones who minimize your despair. Your hurt and your pain won’t go unseen and unresolved for long amid your family and friends’ deep love for you. Eventually, they will notice. So, be patient, give them time, and don’t be afraid to show your grief.

There’s no shame in crying. It’s the shortest verse in the Bible, and yet, it’s one of the most comforting: “Jesus wept” (John 11:35).

The people who love you most can’t always tell you’re hurting. Don’t be afraid to cry in front of them and send a clear message you’re hurting and need some big loving to make it through this situation.

Finally, forgive, forgive and forgive more. Dealing with family and friends after a breakup can be discouraging. It’s irritating when you’re leaving hints about the emotional turmoil you’re dealing with and no one seems to pick up on them. Odds are they’re not avoiding your pain to spite you or be petty. They just aren’t aware of how much you’re hurting inside.

So, be strong, share your feelings, ask family and friends for help, ask God to restore your joy and take all the time you need to heal. This may be the first time you’ve grieved, but it won’t be the last. Learn how to grieve from this dreadful ordeal, and depend on God’s love and the love of others to accompany and comfort you.

The post Grieving After a Breakup appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Listen to this week’s show!

This week on “The Boundless Show”

Comment below:

How does rest factor into your life? Do you have tips or strategies for planning times of rest this summer?

Roundtable: Finding Rest

I’ve been talking about slinging my hammock up on my apartment deck for weeks now, but I haven’t done it. Why? Because, to be honest, rest seems like a waste of time. Ever feel that way? Sometimes you have to actually plan to rest. Grab your hammock and a cool drink, and chill with us as we figure out how to recharge this summer.

Culture: Balancing Truth and Grace

When he was a boy, Caleb Kaltenbach’s parents divorced and each pursued homosexual relationships. Caleb grew up in that culture, attending gay pride parades and watching Christians exhibit a lot of un-Christlike behavior. When he was a teenager, he found Jesus and suddenly faced a crisis of both identity and loyalty. Caleb is refreshingly chill as he recounts his journey of truth and grace. Listen in as he shares some gritty, real and very interesting insights on how to unconditionally love others we don’t agree with.

Get Caleb’s book: Messy Grace

Inbox: Hope for the Single Wedding Guest

She’s single. It’s June. Her fridge is covered with wedding invitations. How can she face the coming weeks and not wallow in her unmarried-ness? What are some practical ways to not feel so awkward going to weddings alone? Lisa Anderson (who once went to 14 weddings in just over a year) has been there and shares some hope.

Featured musical artist: James Peden

The post Slow Down: Episode 540 appeared first on Boundless Blog.

It’s 2018, and my husband, Mike, and I are still stared at, laughed at and told we can’t take quality photos together because of the contrast of our skin tones because we’re an interracial couple.

For some people in an interracial relationship or marriage, perhaps oppression and racism have never come up. Maybe you’ve never been made to feel inferior or uncomfortable because you’re dating someone of a different race. If that’s the case for you — that gives me hope. And I pray more and more that’s the case.

But for some interracial couples, it hasn’t been easy.

In my previous blog post, I explained that even though my husband is black, I’m still ignorant at times about issues of race and people of color. And acknowledging ignorance is important to defeat it. How can we educate ourselves if we don’t see the need for education?

The more we — my husband, Mike, and I — talk about issues of race, culture and diversity, the more we can better understand and love each other. And the better we can live and serve together as one. But it takes time and work to communicate, and it’s vital to be honest with one another.

Work to understand your perspective and your partner’s.

Let me make myself clear — hating racism is a good thing. As believers, we are called to hate sin. But hating people and spitting on one another’s ignorance is not a good thing.

Breaking down stereotypes is important. But doing so humbly, intelligently and graciously will have a much greater effect than simply lashing out. Again, that’s something I’ve had to learn first-hand.

To my fellow interracial couples, grab a hold of grace. I need grace to survive everyday at work, to tolerate ignorant stares, to extend love when addressing problematic language, and to see when my own entitlement and privilege clouds my understanding of others. Talk with your partner and his or her family about issues of race. Pray for clarity for yourself and for equality not only for interracial couples, but for all couples who face injustice.

The post I’m in an Interracial Relationship (Part 2) appeared first on Boundless Blog.

It was beautiful. Their wedding was on a hillside of the rolling South Dakota plains on a sunny day in June. The bride was dressed lavishly in white, and the groom wore jeans, a suit jacket and a cowboy hat. Everything was perfect, besides the gusting winds reaching 40 mph — accurately representing my attitude.

As I found a seat for the ceremony, my mind raced with excitement, joy and … bitterness.

I had known the bride and groom for almost six months, during which we had spent a fair amount of time together playing disc golf and basketball, sitting around bonfires and watching “The Man from Snowy River” (If you haven’t seen the movie, you’re missing out because it is a great western drama/romance). We shared stories with one another of what God was doing in our lives. I had grown to look up to them as role models for a godly relationship pursuing marriage.

I was happy to witness the finality of what God had orchestrated to bring these two together, I wanted to celebrate with them, but my mind was plagued with thoughts of doubt, jealousy and bitterness.

My Thoughts

I smiled as everyone rose to their feet as the wedding procession entered. I laughed as the pastor shared insight into their relationship. I cheered as the groom kissed the bride.

Yet, something inside of me would not let go of these thoughts of doubt, jealousy and bitterness.

Why, God? Why couldn’t this be my story? Why haven’t I found a suitable counterpart? What am I lacking? Have you forgotten me? Is this a consequence of past sin? Where do I need to grow before I can have a spouse? I deserve a relationship like this!

Wow, Jeremiah wasn’t kidding when he said:

The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately sick; who can understand it? (Jeremiah 17:9)

After the ceremony ended, the reception began in an elegantly decorated barn. Food was served, speeches were given, a wedding video was shown and the barn turned into a dance floor. I danced and had meaningful conversations with friends I hadn’t seen in years, yet I couldn’t shake the thoughts of doubt, jealousy and bitterness.

The groom approached me and thanked me for coming. He went on to tell me that I should continue to seek God and my day would come. Feeling encouraged, I sat there smiling. My train of thought quickly switched tracks: continue to seek God … my day will come … it will be great … she’ll be beautiful … the wedding will be picture-perfect … man, I can’t wait … God, why do I have to wait?

A New Perspective

In an effort to clear my mind I left the reception and took a walk around the ranch. I prayed, God, I know you hear me. God, I know these thoughts are not of you. I know patience is a virtue. I trust that you are faithful. I pray that you would protect my heart as well as hers because being content is difficult. I feel so much pressure from friends and family. Lord, give me the strength to wait with a joyful heart, not one of doubt, jealousy and bitterness.

God, in His faithfulness, changed my perspective. He closed the gates of my heart that had been open to the gusting winds of doubt, jealousy and bitterness. He met me there on that hillside overlooking the plains of South Dakota and reassured me that His timing is perfect.

2 Peter 3:8 speaks to this point:

But do not overlook this one fact, beloved, that with the Lord one day is as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.

When your heart is open to thoughts of doubt, jealously and bitterness a day of being single can feel like a thousand years. When God speaks truth into your heart, a thousand years of being single can feel like a day. We may want a significant other, but God is all we need.

Marriage truly seems like the next mile marker in my life and because of that I’m often plagued with thoughts concerning my singleness as if I am a lesser person because of it. The truth is, yes, I am single, but that does not make me less — being a child of God does not hinge on my relationship status. So I’ll continue to chase after God, looking for a woman doing the same. And I’ll trust that His timing is perfect.

The post Their Wedding Was Beautiful, but My Attitude Wasn’t appeared first on Boundless Blog.

When my college boyfriend and I broke up, I experienced for the first time the range of emotions that come with a broken hear. I was predominantly sad. But I also experienced other emotions: relief and bitterness. While I was sad our relationship didn’t work out, I felt relieved that I didn’t have to worry about making it work anymore. And while I had times when I was unable to remember any of his faults, I had times of bitterness when I was unable to think of anything but his faults.

Beneath all the moods swings and emotions, however, I found that I still truly cared about my ex-boyfriend — not in a romantic way but in a “Hey, we were friends before we started dating” kind of way. Turns out, he also felt the same way. So we started trying to be friends again. And we made a lot of mistakes. But God showed us grace despite our naïvety and allowed us to eventually rebuild our friendship.

Before I go on, I want to clarify a couple things: We were only dating for four months, and I realize that when more serious relationships end, it can be even more devastating for the people involved. I also realize that many breakups are messy and that some reasons for breaking up preclude being friends afterward. Our relationship ended mutually and because we both recognized that we just weren’t right for each other. Ending it in this way laid the foundation for us being able to be friends later. So, while I want to encourage people to think about how they might become friends with their ex, especially if he or she is a brother or sister in Christ, I recognize that this isn’t a possibility for everyone — and even if it is a possibility, then it may be a long way down the road.

Here’s some of the things I learned as I rebuilt a friendship with my ex.

First, I learned was that our friendship couldn’t go back to how it was before we started dating. We’d had a romantic relationship, and that relationship ended, so we had to build a new friendship that resembled our old one but wasn’t the same. We’d learned a lot about each other, which, strangely, meant that our friendship couldn’t be as close as it could’ve been if we hadn’t dated. However, that didn’t mean that we didn’t still care. For us, that meant that at graduation, we genuinely wanted to see the other person going down the path he/she wanted to go, even though we weren’t going together.

Second, to build our new friendship, we had to start talking again. But not right away. The week after we broke up, I received a text from my ex-boyfriend, wondering how I was doing. I had actually been dying to know how he was doing, and I was tired of hearing about it through other people. So we agreed to go for a walk to talk a little bit. By the end of the walk, we were talking about how much we just wanted to get back together even though we knew we couldn’t. That walk was a foolish move, but we did it again the next week. And we texted each other in between walks. Eventually, we figured out that we needed to just stop talking to each other for a while — in person and over text. We had to find emotional support in other places.

But after we’d given ourselves time to heal and to function apart from the other person, then we did need to start talking again to become friends. This may seem obvious, but the best time for me to start talking to my ex-boyfriend again was when it felt awkward to do so. And because it felt awful to feel so awkward talking to someone whom I used to be so close to, I often wanted to avoid him. But I found that just saying “hi” when we passed on the sidewalk or joining in the same conversations in group settings went a long way toward rebuilding our friendship.

The last thing I learned was that my other friends were a big part of my becoming friends with my ex-boyfriend again. If you’ve ever heard advice on how to get through a breakup, you’ve probably heard that you should never do it alone. That’s because your friends not only comfort you, but they also keep you from dwelling too much on your sadness. For me, my closest friends helped to fill the gaps that were left empty by my broken relationship. They also helped bridge the awkwardness between my ex and me for a time. So, how I talked to them about my ex made a difference in several ways.

I needed to not trash talk him. Besides being sinful, trashing talking does two things: It makes your heart even more bitter than it already is — out of the mouth, the heart speaks, yes?— and it sends the message to your friends that your ex is someone they shouldn’t bring up in conversation, that you are on two sides of a battle and they are going to have to choose a side. The latter result isn’t fair for your friends, and the first result isn’t going to help you heal in a healthy way. I had to learn to resist the urge to trash talk my ex. I needed to talk through what went wrong in my relationship with a close friend, but after that, there was no need to keep bringing up his faults.

I also had to let them know that I wanted to be friends with him again. I found out that almost two years after we’d broken up, one of my roommates still avoided mentioning his name in front of me. I had to clarify that his name wasn’t a taboo, and that I didn’t mind them inviting us to the same gatherings. I also had to make myself use his name occasionally, to let them know that I meant it. But allowing him to come up in conversation prepared me to hang out with him in social groups without it being awkward for us and everyone else.

Our new friendship isn’t nearly as close as it was before we started dating. Ultimately, though, we were able to become friends again because we recognized the value of the other person’s friendship even after finding out that we couldn’t be in a romantic relationship. So even though our friendship still has its awkward moments, it’s all the more valuable because we’ve had to learn to forgive each other and love each other in a whole new way.

The post Friends After a Breakup? Is It Possible? appeared first on Boundless Blog.

Every time I leave the safety of my car to walk the city streets, I’m afraid.

When I admitted this to my fiancé the other day — that I never forget my phone in case I need to call for help, that I clutch my keys close in case I need to defend myself, that my heart beats a little faster until I’m home behind locked doors — he was surprised. He didn’t realize that I, like many women, feel unsafe when I’m alone in public.

I felt this way even before a stranger jumped into my car with me.

Car locks recommended.

As I backed my car into the alley, a man shouted at me and raced behind my vehicle, forcing me to break.

“Someone’s trying to rob me! Just back there!” He pointed down the alley, though I couldn’t see anyone and it was broad daylight. “You’ve gotta let me in! Just drive me a couple blocks away! Just a couple blocks!”

“I’m not letting you in my car,” I said through the window I had rolled down ever so slightly. He attempted to open the passenger door. None of my neighbors were outside for me to call out to, but I felt relatively safe inside the locked vehicle.

He kept insisting that he was being robbed and needed to get in the car, his eyes wild. After trying the door a few more times, he stumbled into the yard of my cousin’s house and ran around the front.

I wasn’t sure if my cousin and her kids were inside or if they had gone for a walk, so I put my car in park and called her — I wanted her to know there was a potentially crazy man running around and not to let the kids outside. There was no answer, so I left a message.

The stranger came running back full-tilt. I hadn’t expected him to return. I really wished there was someone else — anyone else — around.

“Let me in! You’ve gotta let me in!” he pleaded, trying the door again. It opened, and he jumped in. My heart leaped into my throat. I had forgotten that putting my car in park automatically unlocks the doors.

“Go, go, go!” he shouted, motioning frantically to the wheel.

“Get out of my car!” My stomach was churning. In a matter of seconds, but what felt like ages, I turned off the engine, pulled the keys out, grabbed my purse, and leaped out of the car. “I’m calling 911!”

I made a beeline for the back porch, having no idea what he would do without the barrier of steel and plastic between us. My fingers shook as I dialed. I looked back from the porch, deathly afraid he had followed me. He hadn’t — in fact, he was just sitting in the passenger seat of the unmoving car as if he didn’t know what to do now. A moment later, he bounded out and ran away into the alley.

The fear is real.

Why was I so afraid? Because most guys are naturally stronger than me. He could have overpowered me if he’d wanted to, beaten me, stolen from me, raped me. One of my male friends said if the same thing had happened to him, he would have just stayed in the car and ordered the guy out. The thought of staying or fighting never entered my mind.

Rape culture is a term you may be familiar with, especially considering the #metoo movement. Rape culture doesn’t necessarily mean a woman has been the victim of a sexual assault. It means the fear is real but men may dismiss it. It means the victim gets blamed or her situation is diminished. And it means that ignoring women’s lack of consent is normalized in popular culture. Every woman has had some sort of experience of this type, even if it’s a short moment of panic because a man is walking close behind her on an otherwise empty sidewalk or she’s picking up her pace because of catcalls or ignoring an offensive comment.

It may be especially prevalent for single women, who often go about their lives alone and return to empty homes. It’s also challenging for those who grew up in purity culture, which places the responsibility for our abuse, or even for our fear, on the female’s shoulders for not dressing or acting properly.

Jesus set an example.

I’m thankful Jesus set the bar for respecting women, speaking to them and listening to their concerns in public, even though doing so was counter-cultural. It was not normal for a Rabbi to talk to women, but he did so again and again, acknowledging their acts of worship (Mark 14:13-9), healing their suffering (Mark 5:25-34), teaching them (Luke 10:38-42). He even stopped an adulterous woman from being stoned (John 8:1-11), a punishment that was “justified” according to Old Testament law.

I’m thankful I have a God who set such a high standard, and a man in my life who listens to me and hears my fears. I want other single women to feel heard too, even if they don’t have a partner to share this burden with. I encourage others to follow Jesus’ example, making places of safety for women in our churches. And for the women who understand my fears: I admire your bravery and Christ stands with you.

The post I’m Scared to Walk Alone: The Daily Fear Women Face appeared first on Boundless Blog.