My fiancé, Pat, and I weren’t what you would call “perfect for each other” when we first met.
I was looking for an alpha male who would go out to restaurants with me and debate politics and religion, stimulating deep conversations late into the night. Pat, as it turns out, is a quiet guy who goes to bed early, doesn’t go out much, and isn’t so fond of conflict (otherwise known as “discussion”).
Pat was looking for someone who would share in his love of country living, dogs and a CrossFit-style workout. This city girl is afraid of wide open spaces at night (obviously filled with terrifying, man-eating animals and serial killers) and believes that all exercise should be done in moderation.
If I hadn’t been willing to let go of my preconceptions, I would have missed out on someone who turned out to be not only perfect for me but better for me. (You can read more about how we met in my article “5 Ways to Make Your Dating Profile Stand Out.”) Because Pat’s lifestyle is healthier than mine, he has already helped me to adopt healthier habits. Because he is easygoing, he has become my rest and solace from the world, which has enough conflicts of its own.
In dating, some things are truly non-negotiable: shared faith is absolutely a prerequisite, as is finding someone who treats you kindly and loves you. But where might we be potentially missing out on mates due to our own preconceptions? Here are three areas we might want to reconsider:
1. Race. In one of my new favorite books on human behavior, Dataclysm, OKCupid co-founder Christian Rudder analyzes how daters truly act, and the results are surprising. If you asked any single person in America what they’re looking for in a mate, race will not come up as a factor. Yet as Rudder found through an analysis of online dating users’ actual patterns, both men and women continue to prefer matches of their own race.
To some extent, this may be a by-product of looking for someone with a similar culture, background, and values — we are most comfortable with what we know. But culture, background, and values go beyond race. For example, faith crosses racial boundaries. Furthermore, studies have found that interracial relationships have similar or greater levels of satisfaction as relationships between those of the same ethnicity.
2. Beauty. In online dating, it will come as no surprise that those who are better looking get more attention. But does beauty result in the thing we’re really looking for — relationship success?
OKCupid conducted an experiment. In 2013, the online dating site launched an app that connected you with another user and set up a time and place for a date, all without seeing the other person’s picture. After the date, the app followed up with the daters to get their opinion of the other person and the date itself. As it turned out, daters had about the same level of satisfaction with the date regardless of the attractiveness of the other person!
I think my fiancé is good looking, but the reality is that he became more physically attractive to me over time, as I saw his character, kindness and generosity shine.
3. Age. You’ve heard it said, age is just a number. Lately that seems even more true, particularly in dating. One of my good friends just married a man ten years her junior. They met at work and got to know each other through the workplace softball team. Another woman I know from my church small group married a man last summer who is 20 years her senior. They met through church and something clicked. If these couples had been online dating, though, they likely never would have met because of the age difference.
Unfortunately, extrinsic factors, such as race, physical appearance, and age often determine our dating future. But they don’t have to. Broaden your horizons; you never know who you might find!
Joanna Saul lives in Columbus, Ohio, and is a graduate of THE Ohio State University (Go Bucks!) and Georgetown Law. She works in state government to help the disadvantaged and has recently started a walking program for her local community. As a recently-engaged, 30-something, she is passionate about using her time to serve God’s people.
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